Many people have an emotionally expressive nature; as adults, they bring passion to life. Reining in anger is an appropriate behavior to learn between eight and twelve, a time when kids hone many skills. I suggest three books to help: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk and Liberated Parents, Liberated Children--Your Guide to a Happier Family, both by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and Before It's Too Late by Stanton E. Samenow, Ph. D.

Have you had your son checked out by his pediatrician to rule out allergies or other maladies? Assuming that there is no physical illness contributing to your son's anger, he may just need to use up some energy. Redirect your son's anger into useful activity, such as sports or chores.

 All kids want is for us to understand how angry they are or how badly they want something. For instance, when kids are whining that they are hungry when you are in the car or someplace where you can't get them something to eat, most of us say something like "Well, we don't have anything to eat right now. You'll have to wait until we get home." Then the child cries or screams or whines all the way home. 

Something else that works with my kids is to say, "Show me on paper how angry you are." I hand over the paper and crayons. Then as she scribbles something down I say, "WOW! You really are angry!! Can you show me some more??" She scribbles more and I say again, emphatically, "WOW!!! You are SOOOO angry!!! That looks like a really angry picture! Kind of like a...." (then I mention something really funny), which usually diffuses her anger and gets her to smile.

We also have a very emotionally intense nine-year-old whose anger often gets the best of him. Our firstborn, he is meticulous, a bit of a perfectionist, and not fond of sudden changes, scheduled events or surprises. We have discovered some ways to help him express and deal with his anger. Talk to your son when he's not angry and assure him you are helping him deal with his anger, but not doing all the work yourself. Emphasize that he is getting older and can take on some of the responsibility for helping himself, since you won't always be there to rescue him or to solve his problems. Everyone gets angry sometimes. How he reacts to the anger is what is most important. If his methods of handling anger are inappropriate, this is guaranteed to make matters worse. Empower your son by telling him he can choose how he will act when he's angry. Teach him a few stock phrases to use to help him express what he's feeling in an acceptable way. Once he realizes that he has choices, you may see a marked difference.

We can be the cause of our children's anger. We sometimes forget that they are people and deserve our respect as much as we expect theirs. Try to practice what you teach. How do you deal with your anger? If our children witness shouting and slamming doors, chances are they'll do the same things when they're angry.

Observe your son, and take notes. What situations make him angry? Is he frustrated with tasks you've given that he feels are beyond his capabilities?

Consider his eating, sleeping and playtime habits. Does he get angry when he's hungry, sleepy or overtired? Help control the situation before it escalates. I watch our diet and try to make sure we all get adequate exercise--running around the yard, riding a bike or skating can do wonders for unruly tempers.

If you have more than one child, make sure they get a break from one another every so often. Give them one-on-one time with each parent, and keep competitive games and activities to a minimum. Siblings shouldn't expect to do everything exactly alike or to win every game every time. 

Rewards and consequences are effective tools. Praise all successes lavishly, including the small ones where he at least tried to be reasonable.

When he isn't successful, apply one of the prearranged consequences (versus "punishments") you've both discussed (i. e., missing a play date, no TV or whatever works for your family). Several accumulated successes could result in a special reward like going to the movies.

Several books have proved useful in helping us become better students of our sons. Only one relates specifically to anger, but they have all been helpful in defining the children's temperaments. Having a better understanding of their individual personalities helps me relate to them better as well as teach them how to relate to one another. The most helpful books have been the Bible; Different Children, Different Needs by Charles F. Boyd; The Anger Workbook by Drs. Les Carter and Frank Minirith; The Strong-Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson; Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish; How to Develop Your Child's Temperament by Beverly LaHaye; and The Birth Order Book by Dr. Kevin Leman.

No amount of reasoning could diffuse our son's rage, situations quickly escalated to the explosive stage, and my son became irrational and destructive. I knew I was in over my head.

We sought out a professional counselor because we could not seem to help our child. We did not know whether he was just out of control and needed more discipline, or if something was seriously wrong. It felt like our whole family was beginning to crumble. A good counselor can help pick up the pieces, sort it all out, get you back on track, and teach ways to not only cope but ways to heal and thrive as a healthy family.

Two books that helped me a lot were Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka and The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to seek outside help if you need it.

Your son might be feeling fearful about something and may have a need to be heard or validated. I would avoid trying to control his anger in the conventional ways of squelching the symptoms or outward expressions. Whatever you can do to help him put words to his feelings will help him realize that he doesn't have to have fits or long sulk sessions. Present yourself to him as a listener, someone who is on his side who will be a fair advocate for his needs. He may be feeling powerless, ignored or slighted in some way invisible to you right now. Since he is dramatic and intense, he needs as much attention and love as possible to help him sort out his confusing, ever-changing feelings. When he is excited and angry he needs to be able to express it, talk it out and be reassured.

He will be more frustrated if you tell him that he shouldn't feel angry. This bothered me a lot when I was young, and it still does. No one else really knows what emotional connections or sensitivities someone else has. It's far better to say, "I hear you feel angry. 

I heard about a program that has helped elementary school-aged boys control their aggressive behavior. Developed by Duke University Medical Center's Dr. John Lochman as part of his work with aggressive children, the program was mentioned in a talk given by psychologist Dr. Carol Tavris called Controlling Anger. (Tavris has written a book on the subject, too: Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion.)

See how we build 
Ours are not the rewards
Of dollars or praise 
A baby's sated milk deep sigh
A toddler's sticky kisses 
Fleeting moments like butterflies' wings
That touch between our fingers 
Brush bright against our lips
And then are gone 
Into the sunmist of time
The ribbons of our teaching 
They will gather and weave into themselves
To be claimed as their own 
In the end
The production of our lives 
Will stand alone
And we will silently sit the shadows 
For it is the nature of things
That open hands 
at last
are empty 
And yet
We work on 
In some strange way fulfilled
From the glittering pain of beginning 
Towards a harvest we will never see
Vital links 
In the mystery chain
Of creation 
Artisans of solid dreams
Oh See! 
See how we build