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Dr. Phil - Mom vs. Mom 2003-04

Dr. Phil, mothers and employment 2009 update: On October 13, 2009 Dr. Phil aired yet another "working mom vs. at-home mom" show. FAHN has told him in the strongest possible terms how misleading and detrimental it is to divide mothers into two categories and find representatives of each willing to take an extreme, judgmental stand. We've also told him and his producers how misleading it is to use statistics on "working mothers" the way he and many others do. Yet he continues. The following was written in 2004, between the airing of the first and second parts a two-part show (for some reason, the two parts were aired almost a year apart). Heidi Brennan, at that time FAHN's public policy director and a member of our Board of Directors, appeared in these shows. They were aired on November 10, 2003 and September 3, 2004. Following this background information, read the Joint Statement by Heidi Brennan and Dr. Joan Peters.      Family and Home Network appreciates the opportunity offered to us by producers of the Dr. Phil show, and look forward to the second show with the hope it will help illuminate our culture's discussion about mothers and children. We're not sure if the media will ever end its fascination with the "Mommy Wars," which it fuels regularly.      Late on a Friday afternoon in mid-October 2003, Heidi Brennan, Family and Home Network's public policy advisor, was invited to represent at-home mothers on the Dr. Phil show. With limited information about the show and only a few hours to decide, Heidi agreed to fly out to Los Angeles (she had to leave that Monday morning, and was taken straight from the airport to a taping session). Heidi and her colleagues here at FAHN worried about how the issues would be framed, but believed that Family and Home Network's 20 years of experience could help bring greater understanding to this show, which was going to proceed either with us or without us. In the past, we've turned down countless requests by the media to participate in "Mommy Wars" discussions.      Heidi took part with the hope of steering the discussion toward meeting the needs of children and dispelling stereotypes about all mothers. The show was designed by Dr. Phil and his producers as a "Mommy Wars" debate, with the audience divided between at-home mothers and employed mothers. Family and Home Network sent a lot of information to the producers, trying to help them understand the complexities of the issue and voicing our concern about the divisiveness of framing the show as "Mom vs. Mom."      Just before they went out on the set, Heidi met the representative of working mothers, Dr. Joan Peters (author of When Mothers Work). They quickly agreed to try to bridge, rather than divide, the two groups. After the first hour of taping, everyone was asked to stay for another hour because the topic was so compelling. Of course the shows had to be edited, and Heidi and Joan didn't expect all of their comments to be included. How the conflict and its surrounding issues are presented, and how solutions are offered, is up to Dr. Phil and his producers.      The first show was aired on Monday, November 10th. Heidi's colleagues at Family and Home Network are extremely proud of her — she walked into a distressing and confrontational situation and represented at-home mothers with intelligence and class, and she spoke up strongly about the needs of children.      Both Heidi and Joan share the distress of many people about the divisive comments made during the show, and the decisions made by Dr. Phil and his producers to focus on extreme views. They are hopeful that the airing of the second show will help people recognize that the so-called "Mommy Wars" are not the problem, nor are they as widespread and dramatic as the first show might lead some to believe.      As FAHN has recognized since its founding in 1984, there is not a rigid dividing line between mothers, determined by whether they are employed or not. Couples share income-earning and caregiving responsibilities, dividing up those responsibilities in whichever way is best for them. Arrangements include having a parent at-home full time, part-time employment, home-based businesses, telecommuting, or tag-team parenting. Parents often adjust their responsibilities as their children grow. Single parents can also share income-earning and caregiving responsibilities with extended family members or close friends. Many have written to tell us of the creative solutions they find to meet their children's needs for consistent, nurturing care.      One of FAHN's primary concerns about this is whether the needs of children will be accurately presented. During the first show, Dr. Phil argued with Heidi about her statements regarding the research, and there was more discussion in the second hour of taping. Misunderstandings about the research have plagued this issue for decades. We are making every effort to see that the scientific research is presented fairly and accurately. [2009 update: We were very disapointed in Dr. Phil's unwillingness to take a look at children's needs by consulting the highly-respected experts we recommended to him. For more about some of those experts and their work, please see our "Benefits of Being There" page.]      Please read Heidi and Joan's joint statement (below), and send FAHN your comments at: jointstatement@familyandhome.org Thank you!      Cathy Myers,      Executive Director, Family and Home Network Statement to Mothers regarding Dr. Phil Show - Mom vs. Mom By Heidi L. Brennan and Dr. Joan Peters      We are pleased to tell American mothers that we had a major media opportunity to address our shared challenges to effectively nurture our children, regardless of our decisions to discontinue or downsize or maintain our jobs during our active parenting years.      Although billed as the "Mommy Wars" and we as oppositional experts, we quickly discovered the common ground in our philosophies about the needs of mothers. Yes, there was animosity expressed between at-home and employed moms, but by the end of the show (no matter how it's edited) we doubt that any of us still believed in the "Mommy Wars."      While we (Heidi and Joan) know we have some differences of opinion and perspectives on parenting and child care policy, they are marginal to our shared commitment to a society which recognizes the value of care-giving and nurturing of children and others. None of us believes other mothers are the problem. We all know the problem is the lack of public policy and cultural support to address today's burdens on parents.      If/when you watch the two segments of the Dr. Phil Show which feature the concerns of at-home and employed mothers, we urge you to set aside any negative reactions you have to "mommy war" comments and join us in moving beyond this media-exaggerated conflict. We hope that this program can serve to inspire all mothers (and fathers too) to understand our common struggles to support our families financially and emotionally.      We each represent a website (listed below) and we invite your questions, comments and suggestions for how we can build a "mothering movement." Perhaps we can begin by focusing on a few key ideas as we further explore our issues of motherhood, work, and children's needs. Workplace flexibility for parents - this is a broad continuum of issues that includes family leave, part-time, flextime, telecommuting, and home-based business options, to name a few. Each of these topics demands legislative and business commitment, not lip service. Family tax burden - Families with dependent children bear the highest tax burden among all taxpayers. If we value children, this must change. Education - Parents frequently report excessive pressure to raise funds, excessive homework, and schools that require enormous parental participation just to function on a daily level. We need to engage parents in new ways and rethink their role in education while demanding successful schools. This includes paying truly competitive salaries to educators and designing school systems that engage the talents, interests, and commitment of parents in effective partnership as co-educators. Health - We need to ensure that the youngest members of our society - our children - have adequate health insurance to meet not only their basic needs, but the needs of those children with severe health/disability complications. This is not the sole burden of parents - it should be a commitment from a compassionate society. Culture - Examine the media messages that negatively influence our children and infect our own personal views about parenting, work, and civic life. Are we consumed with consumption or can we discern a balance between necessary marketplace activity and uncompensated community contribution?      Will you join us? Heidi Brennan, M.Ed. * Joan Peters, Ph.D.** Public Policy Advisor Assist. Prof. of English, Family and Home Network, Cal State, Channel Islands Publishers of Welcome Home www.familyandhome.org. www.joankpeters.com * Co-Editor, Discovering Motherhood **Author of When Mothers Work: Loving Our Children Without Sacrificing Ourselves and Not Your Mother's Life: Changing the Rules of Work, Love, and Family