Featured Article: This article originally appeared in the December 2001 issue of Welcome Home. Article Copyright 2000 Sarah E. Creel. Reproduction or dissemination of this work -- or any part of it -- is expressly forbidden without the written consent of the author.

Active Duty:
Helping Military Families Cope

by Sarah E. Creel

I didn’t know anybody directly or indirectly who died in the terrorist attacks on our nation in September. Nor did I know anyone affected by the anthrax incidents that subsequently occurred. Despite these facts, the events have significantly altered my family’s life. The reason: My husband serves in the U.S. Army Reserve. After several stops and starts in the weeks following the attacks, his thirty-seven-member unit was called to active duty in early October.

My husband’s return to active duty (he served twelve years before joining the reserves) has meant big changes for our family. His civilian job was fairly predictable, allowing him to be involved with our two children and an equal partner in running our household. The military, however, is anything but predictable. In addition to the activation itself, meetings, training and travel often come up at the last minute. In the military, last-minute changes seem to be the rule, not the exception. The “mission” is top priority. Family separations and unpredictability are two of the main stresses of military life, active or reserve.

With so many military units currently deployed in support of anti-terrorist efforts--either in Afghanistan or neighboring countries or involved in “homeland defense” efforts--people may be searching for ways to help a military family cope during a loved one’s absence. Reserve families, and active duty families not living on or near a military installation, might be in particular need of help since they may lack the support system that you typically find among families in military housing. Here are some things to consider if you decide to help a military family. First and foremost, be proactive with offers to help. Just as during other times of family upheaval, many people say, “Call me if you need anything.” These offers aren’t likely to go any further. Instead, call an affected friend or acquaintance and say, “I’d like to bring over a few servings of lasagna. How would Wednesday be?” or “Can I take Jordan for an hour on Friday?” Such simple gestures can save the other person from having to deal with the details of “what” and “when,” something they may have less energy to do during a spouse’s deployment. People may be reluctant to ask for help but will gladly accept it if offered directly. Also, don’t assume small things won’t be helpful; enough little offers of help add up.

Help with children may top the list of ways to help. Offer to trade children one afternoon a week with someone you know--one week you can watch both sets of kids, the next the friend can watch them. Or offer to care for a family’s children every Monday afternoon for two hours, for example. When something is scheduled on a recurring basis, parents can count on this “sanity time.”

If your children are older, get them involved too. A child who may not be old enough to babysit could offer to play with a younger child, thus giving mom (or in some cases, dad) a quick break even as they remain nearby. Deployments are unsettling for children, despite attempts to keep their routines the same. A little extra attention can go a long way.

Older children with a deployed parent may benefit from the attention of a mentor of the same gender. A familiar adult could offer to take a neighborhood child on a short outing, throw a ball in the backyard, go on a bike ride or go out for ice cream. Chauffeuring a child to a scout meeting or sports practice can ease some of the burden for the parent carrying the load on the home front.

Weekends sometimes are more difficult for the family members at home during a deployment. Time seems to pass more slowly, friends are busy with their own families, and everyone is taking a break from the normal weekday routines of school, homework and other activities.

Communication with each member of the family takes on extra importance during a deployment. Visit if possible, even if you are directly related to the person who deployed. Or keep in touch via phone, e-mail or regular mail. Greeting cards, notes and care packages might be a nice surprise occasionally. A short message tucked inside a cheerful card might brighten a parent’s day, and stickers or other small items might be a temporary diversion for a small child. Kids love getting mail, and such gestures make the absence of a parent easier to bear and help reassure children that people love and care about them.

Moral support from friends is also a mood booster. One idea is to set up a buddy system where one or two friends check up on each other by telephone each day. Short conversations to say hello keep you up-to-date and may alert you of other ways to help. Be especially mindful of pregnant friends who might need extra support with a spouse away.

Providing meals is another way to help. Even a serving or two can be useful. Kids are often happy with the basics, but these meals get old fast for adults. With one parent pulling double duty, days at home are busier. It’s great at the end of a long day to have something already prepared that you can heat up, supplement with a salad and a drink and sit down to a nutritious dinner that didn’t zap your energy level.

A few miscellaneous ways to help: Try calling a neighbor when you are heading to a grocery or on another similar errand. They may need just one or two things, and it would save them an entire trip. Another way to help a “single parent” is for working, extra busy or even long-distance friends or relatives to buy or pool funds to purchase gift certificates for fun outings or even essentials such as house cleaning or lawn mowing.

Even though it’s the service member who is in the armed forces, military families serve the country too. The current military deployments are open-ended; offers of help may continue to be useful for months to come, possibly even longer. Small gestures can help the spouse and children at home feel cared for and supported, which can help them get through a challenging time.