In October 1997, Dr. Isabelle Fox, a licensed family and child therapist specializing in developmental psychology, came to speak to a gathering of Mothers At Home supporters and friends in Falls Church, Virginia. She is the author of Being There: The Benefits of a Stay-At-Home Parent, a book based on her conviction that young children benefit from having a parent at home, and are harmed by constant changes in caregivers. Dr. Fox retired from her private family therapy practice two years ago, and has been using her more flexible time to do what she can to spread the word that being home with young children is worth the effort and investment of time.

We enjoyed meeting Dr. Fox and appreciate her work on behalf of children and parents. We'd like to share some of her life and experiences with you.

Why and when did you decide to become a psychologist, and how did this fit in with your mothering life?

Since both my mother and father were chemists, and later, chemistry teachers, I started at Radcliffe College assuming I, too, would become a scientist. It became apparent in my first lab class that I was not suited for this field. However, my psychology classes fascinated me. Harvard in the 1940s had some of the most influential professors of the time, and I was fortunate enough to have Jerome Bruner, a noted psychologist who did extensive research in social psychology, as my tutor.

In 1947, I married, graduated, moved to California, and started graduate school. To my surprise, my son, Michael, was born nine months to the day I finished my Ph.D. prelims in 1950.

Of course, at that time, my husband and myself, my family and friends, all assumed, without question, that I would take care of our baby. I always knew, however, that one day I would return to my profession and use my education and training as my own mother had done.

How did you build your practice and what kind of clients did you see?

When the last of my three children entered school, I began to ponder "what am I going to do now that I've grown up?" As I looked back, it truly amazed me how poorly prepared I was for many parenting experiences. Even with my extensive education in developmental psychology, no one ever talked about how it felt to get out of a warm bed and nurse a needy baby.
In 1962, at the Western Psychological Center, I began to lead workshops for expectant mothers and mothers of infants and preschoolers, and so forth, providing support and increased insight into the day-to-day aspects of parenting the growing child.

The parents in these workshops became the foundation of my private practice. They were middle class, mostly college educated, usually motivated to provide a healthy home environment for their children.

In the middle sixties, I became the senior mental health consultant for Operation Head Start in the San Fernando Valley of southern California. Head Start is a federal program to provide a preschool experience for children living below the poverty level.

During my ten years with Head Start, I was involved with disturbed children, stressed out staff, and parents in crisis. I began a program to supervise aides to come into the classroom to work with the most difficult and disturbed children.

From the middle seventies, I continued to run workshops. My private caseload increased. My practice grew mainly from personal referrals and from talks I gave at local preschools and PTAs. Families came to me for help who were struggling with behavior problems, sibling conflicts, or reactions to life stresses.

Did you come to believe that more time with their parents would help troubled children? Were you able to help parents realize what changes needed to be made?

After years of working with scores and scores of families, it became apparent that improving the quality of parenting, as well as increasing the quantity of time parents spent with their children, impacted the behavior of children immensely. My experience indicated that in most cases, private counseling as well as group participation was beneficial to both parents and their children.

The workshop groups provided most parents with emotional support, as well as developmental information. Some parents needed to relax their expectations and others needed to see the value of setting realistic limits and teaching age appropriate behavior to their children.

In counseling sessions, both parent and child were involved. The child was almost never seen as the sole patient. The entire family needed to take responsibility to change and improve the quality of their family life. I often started the first session by saying, 'Your mom (or dad) called me because she wants to learn how to become a better parent and help everyone get along. I would like you to help me, as well as your mom, to create a happier family."

A significant number of parents were able to modify their behavior because of what they had learned.

Why did you feel compelled to write your book, Being There? In your book, you state strongly that you believe a parent should be at home. What experiences in your life and practice led to this conviction?

During the last ten or fifteen years of my thirty-five-year practice, I began to notice that the children referred to me displayed symptoms that were much more difficult to treat. These children were often more aggressive, hyperactive, inattentive, or withdrawn than the children I had worked with earlier.

When exploring their histories, I learned that most of these children came from families where both parents worked, and as infants and toddlers they had constantly changed caregivers.
Further research in attachment theory and with other therapists and teachers confirmed for me the importance of continuity and stability in the first years of a child's life. There are many excellent books on child rearing. All assume that it is the parents that are raising the child. Almost none are willing to take the position and state clearly that parents are, for the most part, the best caregivers for their own children.

The motivation to write Being There came from feeling that parents today need to be empowered to "be there" for their young children and from my conviction that the needs of the very young for stability and responsive care should be articulated. Many parents do have a choice to be home with their children, especially if they prioritize for those first few years.
I have seen how successful and productive these children have become whose parents were there for them, who were involved in parenting groups, and who invested time and affection in their growing children.

Of course, most of the moms and dads in my practice were not ideal parents. They came to the role with their own strengths, weaknesses, and past traumas, yet their overall commitment to their young was an enormous gift of love to them.

My own children, who have blessed me with seven grandchildren, each has his or her own style of parenting. Despite their differences, their dedication, warmth, and enthusiasm for their offspring is enormously gratifying to me.

What kind of reaction have you had to your book?

I expected a hailstorm of confrontations when I wrote my book. To my surprise, a significant number of parents, grandparents, and unmarried people embraced the message enthusiastically. They congratulated me for encouraging parents to be with their children.

However, I have been basically preaching to the choir.

Working parents reject the book even before they read it. It is not a "feel good" book for parents who are away from their infants and toddlers eight to ten hours a day, and the title turns them off. Even though there is a chapter dealing with providing stable substitute care if parents do have to be away, most working parents are reluctant to read the book.

What message would you like to convey to young parents today?

It is because children are or can be a source of enormous pleasure, wonder, laughter, and love that I wish to encourage mothers and fathers to participate fully in the parenting process. These commitments to one's developing child are as important as any career for the limited time we are privileged to be parents of our young children.