For two months now, we have lived in Green Bay, Wisconsin. It's quite a change from our former home in Atlanta, Georgia, but of all the newness around me, it is the swift and complete change in my daughter that still has me reeling. The little girl who had been so challenging and angry is now carefree and blissful, and I marvel that moving has made this possible.

In Atlanta, it appeared that we had everything we could possibly needòa beautiful home, a neighborhood swim and tennis club, access to cultural events, fine restaurants and elaborate shopping malls, all in a near perfect climate. This outward perfection, however, did not match what was going on inside our home. The years we lived in Atlanta were some of the most difficult I have ever experienced.

My husband commuted an hour each way to a job that was highly stressful and demanding. By the time he arrived home at 7:30 p.m., he was simply too drained to do much of anything. At the same time, I was pursuing a master's degree in psychology and feeling like a single mom. We were both exhausted. Neither of us seemed to have enough energy to strategize a way out of the situation.

What was happening to our daughter Alexis during this time? It was not surprising that she, too, was going through her own drama. Although, again, it appeared that she had everything she needed: a best friend right next door, a wonderful half-day pre-kindergarten program, the best playgrounds and kids' programs around, plus plenty of time with me. Yet she seemed to be in a perpetually bad mood, definitely beyond what would be considered normal for a five-year-old. Everything, including eating, bathing and getting ready for school, was a battle.
I spent a huge amount of time trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. I read books on parenting, health and behavior, and sought counseling. I ruled out physical or diet issues. Intuitively, I felt that Alexis' problems were emotional. As is typical of most mothers, I looked to myself to see what part of me was causing this.

What I failed to recognize was just how much her father's unhappiness was affecting all of us. My husband's stress load weighed on me as if it were my own. Even though I was not the one to go to that job every day, I felt as though I were. Sometimes I even thought that I'd rather be the one enduring the job, because then at least I could somehow have some control over it.
As is so often the case during emotional turmoil, I simply couldn't see the effect that my husband's unhappiness was having on our daughter. I don't mean to blame my husband hereòhe was working very hard to support us all. I was guilty of not adequately honoring his role of father in our daughter's life. I can be too quick to think that only I can affect her mood, and only I can make it better. I'm embarrassed to admit that during this time I felt as though my influence on our daughter was more important than his.

Somehow I don't think I am totally alone in this judgment. As women, we sometimes consider ourselves the sole nurturers and the primary influences. Now I recognize that I was off the mark. When I finally made the connection between my husband's long hours away and my daughter's unhappiness, it was as if a lightbulb went off in my head. Of course Alexis was reacting to her father's stress level, and to mine as well. How could she not be?

I knew that our family needed to make some significant changes. My husband and I had a heart-to-heart talk, and we agreed that our life needed to slow down. For us, that meant that he would have to find another job. At first this seemed scary, but as we began to believe there was another, less stressful way to earn a comparable living, much of our fear diminished. This new mindset, along with some networking, brought several opportunities our way. In less than six months, my husband was offered a job in his field at a great company in Wisconsin. We felt immediately that the new position would meet our new goals.

When we brought up the idea of Daddy's new job, which would mean a move to a new city, Alexis' reaction was overwhelmingly positive. I was shocked. She never expressed anything other than minor sadness or concern over leaving her friends, home and school. I was even more certain now that this was the right move for our family.

So here we are, establishing a new balance between work and family. We are in a smaller community and my husband enjoys his job, which requires only a five-minute commute. We are making wonderful new friends. Life is abundantly more enjoyable, and I have learned to respect the vital role that her father plays in Alexis's life.