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For More Information Contact: Susan DeRitis:
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FAIRFAX, Va. – Older children and teens need their parents’
time, love and attention as much as younger children do. Parents across
the nation are realizing that the need for nurturing continues well beyond
the baby years, as adolescents face the complexities and challenges of
growing up in today’s society.
This Mother’s Day, the national non-profit organization Mothers
At Home applauds parents for taking the time to nurture their children
– and it offers parent-to-parent ideas for strengthening connections
with older children and teens.
According to a recently released study by the Harvard University Center
for Health Communication1, the five basics of parenting
adolescents are (1) love and connect, (2) monitor and observe, (3) guide
and limit, (4) model and consult, and (5) provide and advocate. The report,
“Raising Teens: A Synthesis of Research and a Foundation for Action,”
by A. Rae Simpson, Ph.D., cites widespread agreement among researchers
that parental relationships are key to healthy teen development.
“Studies find that supportive relationships with both mothers and
fathers are linked, for example, with lower risks of substance abuse,
depression, negative peer influence, and delinquency, as well as higher
levels of self-reliance, identity formation, school performance, and success
in future relationships,” Simpson states in the report. “There
is no question that teens also want increasing independence and increasing
participation in decisions about themselves and family matters, but rather
than disconnection, they seek a new kind of connection, one that allows
for increasing maturity and mastery of adult roles.”
“Each of the report’s ‘Five Basics’ requires time,”
says Cathy Myers, executive director of Mothers At Home. “Most parents
who spend generous amounts of time with their own families are also involved
in their communities. We hear so much about children needing a village
– but it’s not a village if nobody’s home.”
For almost two decades, Mothers At Home has supported and connected parents
who forgo or cut back on paid employment to nurture their families. These
families cover a wide range of socio-economic, racial, ethnic, religious
and political differences. Through the award-winning monthly journal,
Welcome Home, parents share
their ideas, struggles and successes with each other. Drawing from the
experiences of the thousands of parents who have contributed to Welcome
Home, here are some ideas addressing the first ‘basic of parenting’
from the “Raising Teens” report – love and connect:
- Listen. Some children want to talk right after school, others
talk more freely during a car ride or engaged in an activity by your
side. One mom learned to play nonviolent video games with her son because
that’s what he liked to do when he came home from school. They
have fun together, and he communicates freely with her in that relaxed
setting. Wherever you are, try to concentrate fully on the discussion.
“It means listening with respect,” says Winnie Cross, of Ashland,
OR. “It means understanding that their problems and thoughts have
deep meaning to them. You set the stage when they are very young. If
you haven’t got time when they are six, you might not be the one
they come to when they are sixteen.”
- Put out the welcome mat. Making your home an inviting place
for your children and their friends to hang out will increase the level
of noise and chaos, but you will have the peace of mind of knowing where
your children are and whom they’re with. “The icing on the
cake comes when my 17-year-old and his friends hang out in the kitchen
and actually include me in the conversation,” says Cathy Gardner,
of Fairfax, VA. “Or my son gives me a hug and says ‘I love
you, Mom,’ even in front of his friends. Who can ask for more?”
- Take an interest in your child’s interests. Your child’s
interests may not jive with yours. However, making a concerted, honest
effort to learn about your son’s or daughter’s favorite hobbies
and activities is an excellent way to keep the lines of communication
open. If your child is a sports fanatic, keep current with his/her favorite
sports figures and teams. Listen to your child’s favorite music
and learn about his/her favorite group. A few well-informed questions
are often all it takes to prompt more than a “yes” or “no”
answer from your child.
- Learn a new skill together. Find a topic or activity that interests
your child and enroll in a class together (for example: drawing, crew,
music, writing). It can be a good way to introduce a younger teen to
adult-level classes in his/her area of interest. The benefits may include
a greater appreciation of each others’ strengths, more understanding
about struggles, and a sense of camaraderie as you persevere together.
- Read to and with them. Continue to read to your child even
after s/he has mastered the skill, you’ll share stories and know
the same characters. As your child matures, starting a book club –
with just your family or with another family or two – can be a
great way to explore feelings and perceptions. (There are excellent
books written especially for parents about organizing book clubs, and
they include suggested reading lists.)
- Get involved in your child’s activities. Volunteer to assist
or lead your child’s scout troop, youth or sports group. Coordinate
your school volunteer activities with your children’s interests,
including art, theater or music programs. This is also a good way to
get to know your children’s friends, as well as to connect with
other parents.
- Volunteer together. Select an organization that interests you
and your child, or your whole family. Consider nursing homes, soup kitchens,
historic sites and museums, or animal shelters. As you work side by
side, you may learn something new about each other, as well as instilling
in your children the importance of giving to others. “My daughter
and I both enjoy history, and serving as costumed guides at a historic
home lets us live out some fantasies,” says Maureen Wade of Stafford,
VA.
- Find one-on-one time for each child. Although life with children
is often hectic, many parents remind themselves to look for opportunities
for one-on-one time with each child. “At bedtime, I spend time
on each child’s bed, talking about his day and listening to what’s
going on in his world,” says Jody Miller, of Livonia, MI. Special
lunch dates, shopping excursions or just “hanging out” can
be fun for both you and your child.
- Journal together. For some families, keeping journals and sharing
with each other builds and maintains close emotional bonds. One family
told us that at the suggestion of a writing workshop leader, they have
developed a once a week family journaling time. They choose a topic
and write independently for 15 minutes, then share what they’ve
written. Who knows where the discussion will lead? Another family keeps
a family gratitude journal and finds that it helps reduce complaining
by accentuating positive experiences.
- Stay focused on the positive and be creative. Seek out supportive
relationships with other parents, so you can share your frustrations,
your successes, and benefit from other perspectives regarding problem-solving.
“There are as many different ways to connect as there are children,”
says Susan DeBow, of Maineville, OH. Don’t hesitate to reach out
for help, a good family counselor can be a great asset. Find positive
things to say and keep telling your child – of any age -- how much
you love him or her.
Founded in 1984 in Vienna, VA, Family and Home Network offers resources
and support for parents who forego or cut back on paid employment to nurture
their families. More articles on the subject of raising teens are available
by visiting www.mah.org. Other ways to contact Mothers at Home: call 1-800-783-4666,
or write to Family and Home Network, P.O. Box 545, Fairfax,
VA 22031.
1Raising Teens: A Synthesis
of Research and a Foundation for Action,” by A. Rae Simpson,
Ph.D., may be accessed on-line at www.hsph.harvard.edu/chc/parenting/raising.html.
To request a free copy, e-mail chc@hsph.harvard.edu
or call 617/432-1038.
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