I am the mother of three small children, age nine months to four years. Does anyone have any ideas how to teach our children that they sometimes need to be still and quiet, like in church? When we try to go together, we invariably end up leaving early, often with one or more kids howling and wailing until we are out the door. To tell you the truth, it is easier for my husband and me to go to church each by ourselves, but I wish we could go as a family.

Name Withheld

It is not normal for children under four-and-a-half to be still and quiet! Yes, it's easier to worship alone and leave the kids with your spouse, but just think, in three short years your kids will be three-and-a-half to seven, and these chaotic days will be memories. 

If you take them into the service with you, pack little personal church bags containing quiet things like inexpensive trinkets, books about Jesus, crayons and a small tablet, tiny dollies or mini stuffed animals, cereal or cheese sticks. The children should only see this bag on Sundays at church. By grade one or two it is not needed. Also pack a spillproof cup of water. 

Sit very close or way in the back. This works differently for different kids. Promise an after-church treat on occasion for good behavior. 

Look into church babysitting co-ops by parents during the service. Some churches have classes for preschoolers during the worship service. 

Be sensitive to your kids' developmental stages. Some kids need to stay home until they're in preschool. Others do well at eighteen months. Remember: This, too, shall pass. 

Nancy R.
Scappoose, Oregon

Your problem may be your church. Our church makes it clear that children are welcome. They are not just welcome as quiet and well-behaved little mice, but they are welcome as children. If the place of worship you attend does not welcome children, I suggest you find someplace that does. 

A kid-friendly community is a church where there are plenty of other children worshipping with their parents. There might be a children's liturgy. Does the pastor talk to you and acknowledge your children? Does he make it a point to say hello and good morning to you and your kids? Does the church sponsor other activities and ways for you to become connected in church life as a family (playgroups, small faith groups, dinners, babysitting, etc.)? Each of these qualities helps young families feel welcome and comfortable. 

Don't settle for a church because it is the closest to your home. A good church community will accept you as individuals and as a family. If you find such a place, as we have, you will leave the service refreshed despite a wiggly baby and an about-to-explode two-year-old.

The R. Family
Chelmsford, Massachusetts

I have taught my children that it is more fun in the church service than out. When a child misbehaves, I immediately take him out to a room where we can be alone. I then sit on a chair with the child on my lap. We just sit there, doing nothing. When the child has calmed down I explain that we can sit there for the rest of the service or we can go back in where he can look quietly at books. Sometimes we have to sit for a while before he decides he'd rather go back into the church. It's important that the child not be allowed to get down and play, or staying out of the service will be much more desirable. I sometimes have to go out two or three times, but eventually the child learns what is expected and learns to behave! 

Annette J.
Norman, Oklahoma

When our children were very young, we stayed at the service as long as possible and then my husband or I took them outside to play when it got too difficult. We tried to look at the positive ("Wow! We made it through two songs and a prayer today!") There were many times that we left wondering why we even bothered going. But we established the habit of going to church, and I am so glad we kept at it! We attend church three times a week and it is a huge part of our lives. We still have days when one child needs to leave the service for a while, but for the most part they do beautifully. They are in church with us hearing songs, prayers and scripture, and learning self-control. They love church. It is where most of our friends are, and they see it as a fun place to be. 

Here are some practical tips I learned. Make sure your children are well-fed before the service. Seek out other families with young children. It doesn't sound quite as bad if your kid is belting out his own version of "Amazing Grace" when surrounded by other kids. Speak up about your goals and values. Sometimes people who do not have children or haven't been around them in a while forget what it's like. When I hear people complain about the noise and activity of young children in church, I explain that my children are learning to act appropriately, and that we appreciate their support. Some have even then complimented my children when they do a good job! Attending church as a family is a rewarding experience, but like many other aspects of raising children, it takes time and patience.

Tere H.
Austin, Texas

My parents took us to church when we were very young. I know that their intentions in this were golden, but their project backfired. We were uncomfortable and bored in church, and we dreaded Sundays. In spite of this, they persevered. I was required to attend church through high school, but by that time I had already decided that church was a place where adults lectured endlessly about things of no interest to me. I was alienated. Even though my feelings toward Christianity have become more positive over the years, I have never wanted to become a churchgoer, nor have my three siblings. 

Are there ways you could share your spirituality with your children at home? Maybe you could read a children's Bible together. Tell your children what you heard, learned or did at church. This might let them know what a vital and positive force worship is in your life.

You might want to take them to special services. Although I don't attend church, I sometimes think wistfully of the magic and pageantry of midnight mass, Easter, Palm Sunday, Thanksgiving. And I do appreciate the fact that church is a familiar and comfortable setting.

Rowena C.
Ann Arbor, Michigan

We spend a lot of time preparing our children for "sit still and be quiet" activities. We discuss what will happen at church, practice the responses, learn the songs and read books about the service. We visit the church when it is empty and let them explore respectfully. During the service, when the children were younger, we sat in the back where we could whisper about the goings-on and keep them attentive. As they get older and are better behaved, we move to the front of the church where they can see what's going on. We've always encouraged them to participate. 

We also make a distinction between their "Sunday clothes" and other clothes. Learning that there is something special about Sundays, to include wearing church clothes, seems to help them realize that best behavior is required at church.

Barbara B.
Los Angeles, California

"Play church" at home! Include prayers, Bible readings, a sermon, greeting others and singing. Make it a game. Practice sitting quietly with hands folded, standing and singing, and kneeling with eyes closed. You can praise and reward proper behavior at home, and correct and re-instruct inappropriate behavior to prepare for the "real thing." 

Anne W.
Independence, Missouri

What are churches but a large spiritual family, and what are families without children? My husband and I firmly believe that children belong in church and we practice this weekly. Children will learn to behave in church if they are there to watch and learn. When our daughter was almost four, I had to remove her from church in the midst of a screaming fit. Later, she and I returned to offer an apology to Father Steve for interrupting mass in such a way. Father Steve understood the lesson I was trying to teach, and he handled the situation beautifully. Our daughter apologized and has not repeated this behavior. Our children know that misbehavior in church results in a time out when we return home accompanied by revoking a prized privilege for the following week. The first lesson is a hard one, but if you make it stick, it works.

Denise H.
Bartlesville, Oklahoma