I have a very emotional nine-year-old son. Ever since he was a baby, all of his emotions -- from excitement and joy to anger and disappointment -- have been intense and oftentimes extreme. His anger is what causes the most trouble. The things he gets most angry about seem minor to us, though I realize they are important to him. Does anyone have any tips for helping children deal with anger? Are there really any "acceptable" ways for young children to express their anger? Can anyone suggest ways I can help my son "keep things in perspective" without telling him he "shouldn't" feel angry?

Name Withheld

Many people have an emotionally expressive nature; as adults, they bring passion to life. Reigning in anger is an appropriate behavior to learn between eight and twelve, a time when kids hone many skills. I suggest three books to help: How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk and Liberated Parents, Liberated Children -- Your Guide to a Happier Family, both by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and Before It's Too Late by Stanton E. Samenow, Ph.D. 

Some techniques that have helped me deal with my very intense child are staying calm myself, holding her in a hug and asking her to be quiet for just a moment before speaking (this gives her a chance to calm down) and teaching her to take several slow, controlled breaths before speaking or acting (angry kids tend to hold their breath or hyperventilate, causing adrenaline to start pumping). I also tell her I can better understand her words when she uses her normal voice. Catch your son "being good" and compliment very specifically his appropriate responses to angry feelings. 

Have you had your son checked out by his pediatrician to rule out allergies or other maladies? Assuming that there is no physical illness contributing to your son's anger, he may just need to use up some energy. Redirect your son's anger into useful activity, such as sports or chores. 

Susan S.
Albuquerque, New Mexico

All kids want is for us to understand how angry they are or how badly they want something. For instance, when kids are whining that they are hungry when you are in the car or someplace where you can't get them something to eat, most of us say something like "Well, we don't have anything to eat right now. You'll have to wait until we get home." Then the child cries or screams or whines all the way home. Instead, empathize and say something like, "You must be really hungry. I'm kind of hungry, too. I wish we had a snack right here in the car, maybe even a popcorn machine with butter, and we could have it whenever we wanted to." This takes some imagination, but it works great with all three of my children. Something else that works with my kids is to say, "Show me on paper how angry you are." I hand over the paper and crayon. Then as she scribbles something down I say, "WOW! You really are angry!! Can you show me some more??" She scribbles more and I say again, emphatically, "WOW!!! You are SOOOO angry!!! That looks like a really angry picture! Kind of like a . . . " (then I mention something really funny), which usually diffuses her anger and gets her to smile.

Benita O.
Troy, New York

We also have a very emotionally intense nine-year-old whose anger often gets the best of him. Our firstborn, he is meticulous, a bit of a perfectionist, and not fond of sudden changes, scheduled events or surprises. We have discovered some ways to help him express and deal with his anger. Talk to your son when he's not angry and assure him you are helping him deal with his anger, but not doing all the work yourself. Emphasize that he is getting older and can take on some of the responsibility for helping himself, since you won't always be there to rescue him or to solve his problems. Everyone gets angry sometimes. How he reacts to the anger is what is most important. If his methods on handling anger are inappropriate, this is guaranteed to make matters worse. Empower your son by telling him he can choose how he will act when he's angry. Teach him a few stock phrases to use to help him express what he's feeling in an acceptable way. Once he realizes that he has choices, you may see a marked difference. 

We can be the cause of our children's anger. We sometimes forget that they are people and deserve our respect as much as we expect theirs. Try to practice what you teach. How do you deal with your anger? If our children witness shouting and slamming doors, chances are they'll do the same things when they're angry. Observe your son, and take notes. What situations make him angry? Is he frustrated with tasks you've given that he feels are beyond his capabilities? 

Consider his eating, sleeping and playtime habits. Does he get angry when he's hungry, sleepy or overtired? Help control the situation before it escalates. I watch our diet and try to make sure we all get adequate exercise -- running around the yard, riding a bike or skating can do wonders for unruly tempers. 

If you have more than one child, make sure they get a break from one another every so often. Give them one-on-one time with each parent, and keep competitive games and activities to a minimum. Siblings shouldn't expect to do everything exactly alike or to win every game every time. They are different people with different talents, strengths and weaknesses. 

Rewards and consequences are effective tools. Praise all successes lavishly, including the small ones where he at least tried to be reasonable. 

When he isn't successful, apply one of the prearranged consequences (versus "punishments") you've both discussed (i.e., missing a play date, no TV or whatever works for your family). Several accumulated successes could result in a special reward like going to the movies. 

Several books have proved useful in helping us become better students of our sons. Only one relates specifically to anger, but they have all been helpful in defining the children's temperaments. Having a better understanding of their individual personalities helps me relate to them better as well as teach them how to relate to one another. The most helpful books have been the Bible; Different Children, Different Needs by Charles F. Boyd; The Anger Workbook by Drs. Les Carter and Frank Minirith; The Strong-Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson; Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish; How to Develop Your Child's Temperament by Beverly LaHaye; and The Birth Order Book by Dr. Kevin Leman. 

Debra S.
Fairfax, Virginia

No amount of reasoning could diffuse our son's rage, situations quickly escalated to the explosive stage, and my son became irrational and destructive. I knew I was in over my head. 

We sought out a professional counselor because we could not seem to help our child. We did not know whether he was just out of control and needed more discipline, or if something was seriously wrong. It felt like our whole family was beginning to crumble. A good counselor can help pick up the pieces, sort it all out, get you back on track, and teach ways to not only cope but ways to heal and thrive as a healthy family. 

Two books that helped me a lot were Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka and The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to seek outside help if you need it.

Name Withheld

I experienced a lot of anger as a child and still struggle with it as an adult. My husband is patient with me and gently reminds me that anger is often a cover for fear or some form of sadness or loss. I remember spending much of my youth feeling angry and frustrated about injustice, and I sought out ways to express the anger in personal situations just to have a means of release. 

Your son might be feeling fearful about something and may have a need to be heard or validated. I would avoid trying to control his anger in the conventional ways of squelching the symptoms or outward expressions. Whatever you can do to help him put words to his feelings will help him realize that he doesn't have to have fits or long sulk sessions. Present yourself to him as a listener, someone who is on his side who will be a fair advocate for his needs. He may be feeling powerless, ignored or slighted in some way invisible to you right now. Since he is dramatic and intense, he needs as much attention and love as possible to help him sort out his confusing, ever-changing feelings. When he is excited and angry he needs to be able to express it, talk it out and be reassured. 

He will be more frustrated if you tell him that he shouldn't feel angry. This bothered me a lot when I was young, and it still does. No one else really knows what emotional connections or sensitivities someone else has. It's far better to say, "I hear you feel angry. Let's talk about why. What could have happened to make you feel happy instead of angry?" This approach might help your son turn situations around. With practice, he can learn to keep his cool and then help things happen the way he wants them to. You can guide him in this direction with careful insight, loving patience and understanding.

Heather B.
Eliot, Maine

I heard about a program that has helped elementary school-aged boys control their aggressive behavior. Developed by Duke University Medical Center's Dr. John Lochman as part of his work with aggressive children, the program was mentioned in a talk given by Dr. Carol Tavris called Controlling Anger. (Tavris has written a book on the subject, too: Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion.) 

In Lochman's program, aggressive boys gathered in small groups once a week for a couple of hours over a period of a few months to learn how to manage every aspect of their anger. They learned how to identify what they were feeling and how to talk about their feelings without being hostile or abusive. The boys set up role-playing situations to practice controlling their anger while they were being provoked; they also developed problem-solving skills. Years later, the boys who participated in the program were assessed and compared with a group of non-aggressive boys and another group of aggressive boys who were not treated in the program. The boys in the treatment program showed no differences from the non-aggressive boys: no difference in levels of anger, no difference in aggressive behavior. But the boys in the treatment group measured starkly different from the untreated group of aggressive boys. The boys in the program demonstrated higher self-esteem, better ability to solve problems, and fewer antisocial behaviors than the untreated aggressives. They were less likely to be using/abusing drugs and more careful and less impulsive in their actions. They were also less angry. Tavris concludes her description of Lochman's program: "The better people are at controlling angry feelings, understanding where they come from and deciding what to do about them, the less angry they feel and the less need they have for anger." 

One important point Dr. Tavris makes in her talk: research shows that "ventilating anger," either verbally or physically, is not helpful (this used to be the popular advice for dealing with anger). She calls this "practicing anger" and says that it only perpetuates the anger cycle. 

Another book that I have used a bit in our house is Kids Can Cooperate: A Practical Guide to Teaching Problem Solving by Elizabeth Crary. This book involves parents as facilitators in problem-solving typical situations like children's squabbles. She also suggests for parents to discuss feelings with their children and ways to help them cope with anger.

Betsy K.
Chantilly, Virginia