My family does not belong to a church. For the most part this arrangement works well for us, but as our children grow older we find ourselves confronted with discussions about moral values and other issues, and feel somewhat at sea. We read the Bible and some other religious or spiritual books with our children occasionally and of course talk about things as they come up as best we can, but sometimes I wonder if that's enough. How do other parents develop a moral sense in their children without the aid of an established religion?

Name Withheld

How do you feel about your own morals and ethics? Would you want your children to have your ethical standards? If so, then teach what you believe when you have the opportunity. This can be as simple as posting a notice for something valuable you've found or returning extra change the clerk miscounted. Children learn by observing and by understanding the rationale in a situation. They also learn more when it applies to a situation they are in, which is probably not every Sunday at 10 a.m. 

There is a widespread assumption in this country that religion has a monopoly on morality. This is entirely untrue! There are a great many people who are as ethical as the churchgoer. My family is atheist, and we are law-abiding citizens who vote and pay our taxes, and would not think to steal, lie or cheat. I have demonstrated through my children that you do not need religion to bring up fine, ethical people. It can be done.

Joye B.
Austin, Texas

Webster's dictionary defines "moral" as follows: "of or concerned with the principles of right and wrong in relation to human action and character." Where does "right and wrong" come from? If not from God, our Creator, then who? Do we each have our own standard of "right and wrong?" If so, what happens when you and I disagree? Who decides what is the standard? The dilemma is clear. Growing numbers of people see morality as relative and subjective with little regard to absolute standards as outlined by God. This idea of moral tolerance is eroding the family unit and consequently society. 

There is no way for you to develop a moral sense in your children without God because God clearly lays out an absolute standard of right and wrong that doesn't change with the times. It is the solid footing every parent needs to raise morally responsible children. You do not need an established religion; through prayer, Bible study and fellowship with other believers, you will be successful in attaining your goal to develop a moral sense in your children.

Kim W.
Panama City Beach, Florida

Good luck if you want to raise kids with high morals and values without the help of established religion. My husband and I have worked with teenage students for many years, and we see this same scenario over and over again. Parents don't want their kids to go to church when they are young, then around age twelve or thirteen, parents are back at church desperately trying to figure out how to sway their kids back to strong moral values. 

At some point your kids will question where you came up with your moral scale, and you won't have a solid answer. To only say "that's just what we believe," isn't enough. There has to be some authority you are pulling from. I say to my kids, "God set up these rules to protect us." And that is something they can accept.

You can use Biblical principles and not call it established religion, but you really miss out on the support of the family of God. As with anything that takes discipline, it is difficult to stick with it without the help of accountability. Take the time to find a good church family and research it as you would any other aspect of your life.

Lisa M.
Mesa, Arizona

My husband and I also decided not to belong to a church. We are "home churchers," just as there are homeschoolers. We believe that the basic precept behind most religions is the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Reading and talking should create a strong basis for a moral sense in children. Like any other civilized code of behavior, it takes a while for it to sink into young children's minds and show up in their actions.

Beyond reading and talking, act on your convictions. Find some activity for which your family can volunteer their time. For example, deliver meals to housebound or elderly people, send valentines to patients at a hospital or help with a toy drive for the winter holidays. Pick up trash at a park or as you go for a walk; this is a great opportunity to talk about right and wrong.

Name Withheld

I'm not recommending organized religion, but rather a careful, systematic, disciplined study of the Bible. It is a rich library of 66 books made up of different genres of literature. The Ten Commandments are there, but so are history, poetry, philosophy, wisdom, mentoring and life applications. I participate in a neighborhood Bible study with other mothers. We are from different cultures, backgrounds and churches, but our focus is to come together each week, each one having studied the questions in an inductive study guide, and then discuss our findings and understandings and ask questions. 

One of the most helpful and fascinating studies is called "Foundations of Faith." You can visit their web site at www.NeighborhoodBibleStudy.org or call their toll free number at 800/369-0307. 

Give your children's moral/spiritual well-being the same careful, purposeful research and attention you give to their physical and educational well-being. That is what will serve as the bedrock for their character, decision-making and future leadership skills when they are grown. Ask lots of questions of people in whose lives you see humility, a sense of "centeredness" -- settled peace and contentment -- and integrity.

Jan H.
New Orleans, Louisiana

Before our first child was born, my husband and I did not attend church. Truth and wisdom come from many sources, and I did not feel comfortable with any religion that prescribed a single doctrine or path to God. My husband was simply turned off to organized religion in any form.

Eventually, we joined a church that met our needs, and our family is better off for it. This church is part of a larger liberal denomination that encourages intellectual inquiry. This denomination appealed to us because it encourages individuals to seek their own spiritual paths, while still coming together as a church community. We particularly liked the religious education program that teaches about and celebrates the beliefs of all of the major world religions, and encourages ethical living according to principles of justice, tolerance and the search for meaning in life. The goal is not to instill doctrine but rather to prepare children to eventually form their own belief systems. Being part of a positive church community can be a real asset to children as they grow up. Church is a place where children can get to know adults in addition to their parents who can serve as mentors, role models and trusted friends. It is a place where people can discuss life issues in the context of spirituality and morality. 

Jennie S.
Chanhassen, Minnesota

An essential part of nurturing good morals is to encourage your children to develop their own conscience. Allow them to experience guilt. Choose carefully when to give external rewards and learn when it is better to step back and allow your child to experience intrinsic rewards such as pride, accomplishment, contentment and peace.

Don't strive to make everything okay for your children or to make excuses for their inappropriate behavior. Instead, make use of teachable moments. Respect, responsibility, caring and trustworthiness all need to be modeled by parents as well as practiced together as a family. Reach out to neighbors and others together. Make amends and apologies in the company of your children.

Melissa P.
Winterset, Iowa

I've been able to give my children a strong sense of right and wrong without established religion. Non-churchgoers need to ensure their kids don't miss out on discussions of what is morally right. They need to be encouraged to develop their own moral compass. Discuss your beliefs and why you feel that way. I have always respected my children's right to disagree, even while trying to convince them of my position. It has taught them much about respect as well as the art of persuasive argumentation. 

Often, difficult situations become less difficult when you look at how your basic moral view applies to the situation. Where religious people may ask, "What would God say about this?" or "What does the Bible say about this?" to reach an answer, non-religious people need to ask, "How do my basic moral beliefs apply to this particular situation?" The most important moral rule I have tried to instill in my children is to always do what you think is right -- not necessarily what is easy or convenient or what feels good. Instead of the threat that "God will know," non-religious parents need to emphasize to their children the value of self-respect, and replace that threat with, "You will know." As parents, we should be examples of someone who is trustworthy and consistently adheres to our moral standards. If you think lying is wrong, don't do it. If you think lying is okay in certain situations, tell your kids why you feel that way. If you think drinking alcohol is wrong, don't do it. If you think drinking is wrong for teens, but okay for adults, explain to your children the difference so they don't just think you're bending the rules when it serves your purposes.

Kathleen H.
Maumelle, Arkansas

*Editor's Note: Several books that were also recommended are The Children's Book of Virtues by William Bennett; The Family Virtues Guide, by Linda and Dan Popov; and Teaching Your Children Values by Linda and Richard Eyre. For resources and information about character education programs, contact: "The Character Education Partnership," 1600 K Street, NW, Suite 501, Washington, D.C. 20006, 800/988-8081. www.character.org.