I was married in my early twenties, followed by a divorce (no children) four years later. I now have two children, ages nine and ten, who don't know of my earlier marriage. My husband feels that since many of their friends' parents are getting divorced, our children's knowledge of my earlier divorce may make them feel insecure about our family. He feels that children aren't really capable of understanding the concept of divorce and that they should not be burdened with adult problems. I feel that they are old enough to be told and that I should be the one to tell them before they find out some other way. Any advice as to how and when I should tell them? How can I reassure them that I love their father very much, and just because I was divorced earlier doesn't mean I plan to divorce again? What about my husband's concerns?

Name withheld

Your letter reflects great love and caring for your children and one another on the part of you and your husband. That love will be the strength of your family regardless of how you end up deciding to resolve this issue. 

Tell your children soon about your previous marriage. This should be done before they find out some other way, as surely they will. This is not something you want them discovering inadvertently. 

Your husband's concern about their being overburdened by adult problems deserves respect. However, if their friends' parents are getting divorced, this is probably troubling them anyway, and your willingness to speak candidly about marriage and divorce might help. 

There may be no foolproof method to reassure them about the stability of your present marriage once you acknowledge the earlier divorce. They might go through periods of worrying about it, just as they probably worry from time to time about your dying, another concern you cannot absolutely refute. Your consistency in creating a stable, loving family environment for them will speak louder than words. 

In terms of how to tell them, keep it simple. My situation was quite similar to yours. I first told my son (when he was about five) something like, "I was married for a few years to another woman before I met Mama. We did not have any kids." Then I answered his questions. We have talked about it once in a while since then, and I have also told my daughter, who is nearly five. She asked, "Why did you marry someone else besides Mama?" and accepts "Because I did not know Mama then. Mama and I are just right for each other," whereas my son asked recently where my ex-wife lives, what she does for a living, whether she has children and so on.

David H.
Rockville, MD

I learned of my mother's former marriage when she disclosed it to me in the heat of anger. I was twenty-one at the time. My first thought was, "Who is my father?" I still wonder why she didn't trust me to tell me the truth sooner. 

Your children should be told of your former marriage as soon as possible. You are not going to "save" your children any heartache by keeping this from them. Let them know that you love their father and that divorce is not an option for the two of you. Have faith in the fact that you are raising your kids to be secure, confident, honest people and use this as an opportunity to let them see that their parents make mistakes, too. Explain to them what you learned from your experience and maybe someday they will use this knowledge to help them with a problem they could encounter in a relationship. 

Melissa Y.
Bel Air, Maryland

My seven- and nine-year-old daughters both wanted to know about divorce, how it happens, why it happens, who does it happen to and so on. Before I realized it, I had told them that I had been through some similar circumstances. I did not go into detailed descriptions of any aspects of my previous marriage and answered their questions just as I would questions in any other area -- directly without overdoing it. When they are ready for more information, I know they will ask, and I feel blessed in knowing that they helped direct me to the point when I could share this with them. These frank conversations are what have brought us to where we are today. I have always benefited greatly from honesty.

Lynne P.
Wrightsville, Pennsylvania

Dr. Laura would ask how it would benefit your child to share that information. (Dr. Laura Schlessinger is an advice-book author and has a nationally syndicated radio program on which she dispenses advice to callers on a wide range of family and personal questions.) Just because your divorce is a fact does not mean that it needs to be shared. I am not suggesting you lie; if your children ask, then you should tell the truth. Also let them know that your divorce is something you are not proud of. I am sure you have not told them every single thing that you have done wrong in your life. If you ever drank underage or tried drugs, you probably would not tell them that unsolicited.

Rachael B.
Groton, Massachusetts

One day when I was about seven or eight, I found a picture of my mother with a man. I laughingly asked her if this was an old boyfriend. I remember her explaining in a rather serious way that it was her ex-husband. She said she had been married before, and it didn't work out. 

She now tells me I looked at her with big eyes and asked, "Does Dad know about this?" Besides that one inquiry, I never gave it another thought. It never occurred to me for a moment to doubt my parents; marriage or our family's stability. 

Now, as a thirty-seven-year-old mother of a three-year-old, I am anticipating some day having the same conversation regarding my early marriage and divorce. I don't have any particular plans on when to tell my son, but will probably wait until the subject comes up. If it doesn't, perhaps I will strategically place a picture of myself and my ex someplace to initiate a conversation.

Kim P.
Farmington Hills, Michigan

Discuss with your husband your attitudes toward marriage and divorce and the message you want to convey about them to your children. Is your husband's motivation primarily to leave your children with the impression that your marriage is rock solid and they should hold no fears about family instability? Or does he have a problem with the concept of divorce and fear your children will conclude that marriage as an institution need not be forever? 

If your children's potential feelings of insecurity truly are the key issue for your husband, it may be helpful to seek advice on this issue from your pediatrician or an adolescent mental health care professional. He or she may have insights into the typical emotional state of children in this age group, and that could assist in a decision. 

How likely is it that your children will learn of your previous marriage from another source? You may want to err on the side of being open sooner rather than later. If they were to learn of your previous marriage from another source, they may wonder if you have other secrets. You also may be teaching them to withhold information from you some day to "protect" you from an experience they think you will find painful or threatening to your values. 

I admire the effort you are taking to explore this issue and reach a joint decision with your husband. Despite the tension, the example you are setting to reach agreement as a couple on tough issues will certainly some day help your children have successful marriages. 

Betty W.
Annandale, Virginia