I am a thirty-year-old mother of a two-and-a-half-year-old boy and a one-year-old girl. My husband and I are wrestling with the decision of whether our family is complete.  How have others made this decision and handled the emotional side of "no more babies"?

Name Withheld

I am the mother of two girls, seven and three-and-a-half, and I too struggled with this issue. I had to stop comparing my family and myself to my friends and their families, analyze our priorities, and reflect on the kind of life we wanted to give our children and live ourselves. A large factor in my decision was my own temperament. I wish I were the type of mother who could be relaxed with a houseful of kids, but, alas that is not the case. Yes, it is hard to think of never holding your own infant again, but each stage of childhood brings its own joy and each is so fleeting. My husband and I also enjoy the kinds of family trips and activities we are able to do as our kids get older.

I knew we had made the right decision for us when my sister had a beautiful baby girl last month. I can hold my precious new niece all day, but I am also able to hand her back to her mother and take the hands of my own children with no regrets.

--Lori F., Boardman, Ohio

My first two children were only twenty months apart in age.  When they were both small and very needy, I often felt "done" with having children.  Those early and time-consuming years pass by very quickly, however.  I am so glad that my husband and I did nothing permanent to prevent further babies.  I was not able to be totally objective about the decision while in the midst of raising two little girls.  Now my two daughters have an additional sister and baby brother. Our "second set" of children have brought untold joy and balance into our lives and have taught my older girls many important life lessons. My advice to someone who is feeling ambivalent is to wait a while.  There was room in my heart and home for more, I was simply too overwhelmed for a while to see that.  I'm sure glad I finally did.

--Ann Marie H., San Jose, California

I am thirty-two years old and have two boys, spaced about the same as yours.  My husband did the chivalrous thing and had a vasectomy shortly after our youngest was born.  Although I have never regretted it, I will admit to occasional pangs of baby longing.  But it is about 10% longing and 90% relief that I won't be going through that again!

We do not have a high family income. It sounds cold to reduce the problem to a financial one and say we just couldn't afford any more children.  With a lot of belt tightening, we could survive with a few more children.  What's another night of bean burritos compared to the joy and richness another child would bring to our lives?  Well, not being able to pay the bills is a major stress factor in a marriage, ours included. Our primary responsibilities are to provide well, emotionally and financially, for our children, and to keep our marriage strong and intact.

When I asked myself if money were no object, would I have more children? The answer that came to my heart was no.  A lot of things are just easier with two children.  Now that my boys are potty trained and can do some things for themselves, life has gotten much simpler for me.  I just don't want to start all over again.

If you have a good friend with a bigger family than yours, spend time at her house. Get a sense of how much more work is involved with more children and, comparatively, how much more joy there is too.

There are a lot of things I will never do again.  Moving on is a part of growing and progressing through life.  I realized that no matter how many children I had, there would be a moment when I nursed the youngest one for the last time. Moving on to the next thing with my wonderful children, whether it's starting kindergarten or losing that first tooth, gives much joy and compensation for the fleeting sadness that there won't be any more.

Search your heart and soul.  Talk to your husband and friends.  Our children are our greatest joy in life, and at this time, they are our primary task.  When they grow up and don't need us as intensely any more, I look forward to the joy of being alone with my husband again.

--Name withheld

If you're wondering if your family is complete, then it probably isn't.

If at least one of you still wants more children, even if the other is certain they do not, then do not have a surgical procedure to prevent conception.  I have only one regret in my life and that is my tubal ligation.  I thought I did the right thing for the right reasons, but I have remained emotionally devastated ever since.  The grief I have suffered is tremendous.  I ache when I see a pregnant woman, and I long to use our baby clothes once again.

Whatever decision you and your husband make, I hope that you both absolutely agree to it.  Look into your hearts, not just facts and figures.  If your hearts tell you your family is complete then that's the right decision.  If only one of you feels that way, however, then base your decisions on temporary choices, not the permanent path of sterility.

--J. J., Socorro, New Mexico

My husband and I originally wanted three children.  After difficult pregnancies, we decided to stop with two.  There are times when I do wish we had more, but I get my "baby fix" by baby-sitting for a friend or volunteering at our church's nursery.

We have found numerous benefits in having only two.  I can still work part time without daycare costs eating up my paycheck.  I have time to pursue personal interests.  We have more time, energy, and finances to devote to each child.

A larger family does not always mean it is a happier one.  Our children will never experience interaction with multiple siblings, but I believe they will benefit from having more "mom and dad time."  Recently I heard the term "a rich man's family" to describe a family with two children, one of each gender, and I truly believe we are rich.

--Sherri R., Mead, Washington

We have two children. There are many arguments against welcoming another child into our family -- less room, hectic schedules, financial problems, less time.  And what if the new baby was not born healthy? Despite these arguments we would love to become parents again, to a healthy or a special needs child.  Our children are our joy.  They help us see what matters in life.  It's hard for me to imagine that any reason to avoid having another child couldn't be overcome if the desire exists. However, biology doesn't always cooperate.

If you are feeling ambivalent, why not postpone a decision?  Your biological clock is ticking but hasn't run out.  Perhaps the urge to be parents again will hit you and your husband more in a few years!

--Name withheld