I have an eighteen-month-old daughter who is extremely active.  I would like to have another child, but I don't see how I could also take care of my daughter.  I wish I knew what would be the best for her in the long run, having more independence now, or having a sibling close in age.  Am I making a big mistake by procrastinating getting pregnant so that I can let my daughter see more of the world now?  Is spacing kids the best idea? 

 Liat K.
 Metairie, Louisiana

I remember having the same thought after my first child was born.  My first two boys are twenty-eight months apart, and second and third boys are twenty-four months apart.  I couldn't be happier having my children so close in age.  I, too, wanted my first son to have exposure to so many things.  These things now seem so insignificant.  He can't remember the friends we played with and toured the town with, nor what we did.  But having two brothers, and built-in friends, has taught him so much.  He has learned to share, cooperate, take turns, be patient, have compassion, love, and most important act silly and just be a kid.

You need to decide what is best for you emotionally, financially, and physically.  It is sometimes physically tiring for me, but it is worth it to see them as buddies.  Also, remember the second child won't really play or interact much for a good while, so you can still show your daughter the world with an infant along for the ride.  A second child helps foster independence in the first because you can't be available every moment for your older one while you care for a baby.

--Jill S.,  Carrollton, Texas

It may well be daunting to contemplate caring for a newborn and an "extremely active" eighteen-month-old, but that is not, in fact, what you would experience.  If you got pregnant tomorrow, your daughter would grow amazingly in those nine months.  By the time another baby is born she will be making progress toward caring for herself and entertaining herself.  A year makes a big difference!

Forget about finding the perfect spacing -- there's no such thing!  You can find reasons for and against every possible spacing, and even if you did figure out the perfect one, nature might not cooperate.  Base your decision on your and your husband's readiness to welcome another child, rather than on when your daughter seems ready for a sibling.

--Patricia D.,  Allentown, New Jersey

My children are ages three, thirteen, seventeen, nineteen, and twenty-two.  I never planned a pregnancy based on a child's current age.  The desire to have another child is a decision agreed upon by husband and wife in a loving marriage, and the child(ren) already in the family must learn to adapt.

How would you cope as a mom of a baby and a toddler?  If you are overwhelmed you may need to wait until your daughter is school-age before you can manage another baby in the home.  You cannot know what is best for your daughter in the future, you can only live today!  She will go through natural developmental stages, active or not by temperament.  There is a lot you can't control, so don't worry!  When you have a sibling for your daughter, expect positive and negative moments.  That's life!  Don't spend too much energy worrying about "what is best".  You can't create a perfect world for your daughter -- we don't live in one!  You want to help her develop coping skills, problem-solving skills, empathy and compassion, not elitism or perfectionism.

--Nancy R.,  Scappsose, Oregon

How far apart to space your children is a decision only you and your husband can really decide.  Only if you are not stressed or pressured will you be able to give your daughter all the love and attention she needs.

I have two boys, ages twelve and four.  I always knew I wanted children at least five years apart so that I would be able to devote a lot of time to my first child.  The boys' spacing has worked out very well.  I have had lots of time with each child.  My little one is very active and it would be hard if I had two closely spaced together.  I have had little sibling rivalry with my boys, and they are great friends.  You also find you can have a close bond with a first child who has a much younger sibling.  My experience has been a very good one.

Anne F.,  Alexandria, Virginia

YES -- space your children at least three years apart!  I have three children, a girl age five, and two boys, ages two and one.  It was much easier to take care of my middle child when he was born, because my daughter was old enough to understand and to do some things for herself.  The past year, having my boys thirteen months apart, has been a time of complete and total exhaustion.  It's almost like having twins.  It's very difficult to take them places, and to find a baby-sitter.  Spacing kids a few years apart is best for the children -- and the parents!

--Mary Beth A.,  Willoughby, Ohio

By all means, wait at least a year before getting pregnant again.  Let your daughter have her babyhood.  Current wisdom is that children should be spaced three to five years apart to lessen the older child's feeling of being usurped.  If your daughter is "high-maintenance" now, she will only become more so if you introduce a sibling.  I've heard many of my friends say they regretted having their kids too close together.  I've never heard one say they regretted waiting a few years.

--Lisa G.,  Kirkland, Washington

By all means get started on that second baby now!  What you feel you're cheating your first child of now, will be more than made up for when the two can grow together and learn from each other.  The energy your first child has with you can later be expended on the sibling.  My kids are twenty-three months apart and are a "play group," not two separate age groups.  A bonus was when one is out of diapers, bottles, and baby food the other wasn't far behind and together we moved on to the next stage of life.   Go for the closeness!

--Renée V.,  Crest Hill, Illinois

I am in favor of the notion that the older child actually sees more and learns more about the "real world" when a younger sibling enters the family.  More important, the older ones have learned very quickly that they are not the center of the universe, that younger siblings demand (and deserve!) Mommy's attention, too.  Sharing is such a beautiful concept to be taught by this experience.  Soon the older one wants to share baby's toys, too, as a reciprocal give-and-take process develops.  It is not so much how far apart the children are, but instead the key is that having a sibling teaches the older child limitless lessons on life.

--Tanya L. B.,  Woodinville, Washington

There is no "best" time to space your kids.  Waiting to have another child is not procrastinating if that is what you need.  Children flourish best in homes where the parents are relaxed and have love and energy to devote to each child.  Closeness in age does not guarantee friendship, nor does distance mean they will not be close.  My closest relationship with a sibling is with my oldest sister who is ten years older than I.  As we were growing up, she used to sing to me and baby-sit me.  Later she taught me to read, sing songs, and love the Beatles.  Later still she gave me advice on boys, friends, and life in general.  Now we are both at-home mothers who trade "war stories," advice, and wonderful times with our children.

Parents who teach love and respect and not competition have more to do with siblings having a close relationship than small age differences ever will.

--Julie S.,  St. Louis, Missouri