I am the mother of a twenty-three-month-old who is very spirited and active. I love him so much, but sometimes have bad moments where I may slap him once or say something mean. I do this in the heat of anger and always feel remorseful afterwards. I know tips on managing anger but can't always control myself. I'm afraid to talk to anyone about this. Has anyone gone through this who can help me?

--Anonymous, California

Congratulations on taking the first big step to improving your life and the life of your child: being self-aware and willing to do what it takes to grow. 

There are many tips to managing anger, and they are helpful. But try to get to the root of why certain behavior from your child makes you so angry. We manage our emotions the way we were shown, and develop habits in dealing with anger because it did something for us when we were young and not so powerful. Now you are an adult with many more options available. Be creative instead of loud! 

I have found the best place to learn parenting skills has been in a moms' group sponsored by the Red Cross. Hospitals too are reaching out to parents to help us learn quality skills. These groups have a facilitator who is well-educated in the field of parenting, and you can discuss things in confidence with other mothers. 

How does your child express anger, and how would you like for her to express it? Think of yourself as a teacher. It can help distance you emotionally from him so you don't take everything personally. A friend of mine tries to see her child as a neighbor's. You'd never think of hurting someone else's child. 

 Use and develop your sense of humor. Children like the silliest and corniest stuff. 

Focus on the positive. You have many good parenting skills, and your child has many positive behaviors. Compliment your child regularly when you like his behavior. Tell him of your love every day. We all need to be more aware of the love, the fun, the great learning we are doing. With the more balanced focus I am a lot less stressed and a lot less likely to respond in anger.

--Andrea M., Wyckoff, New Jersey

We all have times when we lose our temper at our children, and it is easy to find yourself hitting, especially if that's how you were treated as a child. 

In a quiet moment, I think very hard about why I lost my temper. Was I extra tired? Had I been trying to get ten minutes with the newspaper? Was I making dinner, with my husband due in a few minutes? This helped me to decide what I should have done to prevent the outburst. My husband doesn't care if dinner is late, as long as we are happy when he comes home.

If you ask for help, no one will think that you are a child abuser. I called my HMO's mental (behavior) health office. I met several times with a wonderful counselor. She assured me that at-home mothers have the most difficult job there is. "When do you get to be an adult?" she asked. We set a high standard of perfection and worry when we can't meet it. Anger ensues. 

Recently I talked to my own mother about this. She said that she still feels bad about some of the ways she treated her children. But I remember a very loving mother. That's what your boy will remember, too.

--Candace H., Evanston, Illinois 

I haven't "been there" but I am there right now. I too love my children very much, but have slapped or screamed in anger. I'd like to share some strategies I use. 

Look at why you are short on patience. Do you have stress built up from other reasons? I find myself short-tempered when the children don't follow my plans. Then I find I must change my plans or expectations. This lifts a burden from me and allows for some breathing room, and puts the situation in perspective. 

Pray. When I am one second away from losing it, I look up and say "Help." It helps me find the strength to calm down and diffuse my anger. 

Do something for yourself. I used to put my own needs as a last priority and of course never got around to them. I became very resentful. Demand time for yourself, or it will never happen. 

Good luck. It won't happen overnight. Like any other aspect of parenting, we learn and grow and adjust. I still have bad days when the last thing I want to do is cuddle with the child who irritated me so much. But I tell myself that love is not conditional. 

--Name withheld, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Your letter really touched me as I could have easily written it. I found the toddler stage with my daughter very difficult. Looking back now I recognize there were several contributing factors. Because she was very wakeful I am certain my sleeplessness contributed to episodes of sheer rage that would sometimes manifest itself as paddling or yelling. I felt very isolated with my self-esteem plummeting. I was depressed and needed treatment. The depression left little to give my needy child. I was so hard on myself and the cycle of self-worthlessness and rage went hand in hand. 

I knew that I did not want to parent as I had been parented. I made connections to my father's rage issue and mine. With professional counseling and medication, I got through it. I think that I focused on my failures and did not see that most of the time I really was a patient, loving mother with a wonderful daughter. 

Now, with an active twenty-three-month-old boy, there are many things I do to keep myself centered. I exercise, make time for myself, and keep in touch with other moms who can admit their struggles.  I no longer need anti-depressants or counseling but am aware that they are there if I need them.  Working part-time has helped me find balance.

Forgiving yourself for being human leads to forgiving your toddler for his struggles.  The most important thing I did for myself and my children was to ask for help.  You may feel as if you are alone but you are not!

--F. H., Longbranch, Washington

Editor's Note:  Our readers recommended the following books:

• Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
• Premenstrual Syndrome Self-Help Book by Susan M. Lark
• Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom:  Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing by Christiane Northrup
• This Isn't What I Expected:  Recognizing and Recovering from Depression and Anxiety After Childbirth by Karen R. Kleiman and Valerie D. Raskin
• Parenting With Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay
• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
• Prescription for Parenting by Carolyn Ann Meeks

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