How do you help foster the relationship between children and their grandparents?

Until recently, my husband, myself, and our two girls lived in Vancouver, B.C.  As time went on, the pull to be near our relatives became stronger.  We especially were concerned that our children get to know their grandparents.  I was afraid they would grow up thinking of them the same way they do of Santa Claus:  He comes once a year loaded with toys and lots of goodies.  Since my relationship with my own grandparents had been so much more personal than that, this became a big priority in my life.

It was very difficult to move -- especially for me.  Saying goodbye to our friends and beautiful city was very hard, but I knew this decision couldn't be delayed since none of us was getting any younger.  Now that we're here, I am so glad that we did what we felt we had to do.

--Debbie W., American Falls, Idaho

In our home, Wednesday is "Pop-pop" day.  It is the day when my father comes to visit and have dinner with us.  Our boys look forward to seeing their grandfather and to sharing the day with him.  They read books together, go for walks to a nearby park, play games, and bring each other up-to-date on what has been happening in their lives.  The ordinary becomes quite special when done with "Pop-pop."

--Kathy J., Thurmont, Maryland

Since our parents live several hours away, we don't see them as often as we would like.  When they do come, they often bring enough toys and gifts to rival the grandest Christmas celebration.  We began to realize that this exorbitant gift-giving turned our little ones’ eyes to greedy gleams whenever Grandma and Grandpa's names were mentioned.

To remedy this, we asked that gifts be brought only on birthdays and special holidays.  We then sat down with our children and asked them what they would most like to do with their grandparents when they did come to visit.  We made a list for each grandparent.  They included such activities as being read to, singing together, taking walks, and drawing.  Surprisingly, our son's favorite activity was practicing spelling words with his Grandma, because she made up funny sentences to go with each word.  Soon, the children were looking forward to the activity and the time spent with their grandparents, and not the gifts.

We fostered this developing closeness by having the grandparents become their pen pals.  Since all parties loved receiving mail, this practice soon grew.  We bought our children cute, inexpensive postcards and help them with their letters to Grandma and Grandpa.  By showing the children positive, non-material ways to get to know their grandparents, we have been blessed to watch the bond of love between them flourish.

--Susan R., Baldwinsville, New York

Since both our parents live nearly 1000 miles away, our endeavors at fostering the grandparent-grandchild relationship require perseverance and ingenuity. 

In addition to correspondence and  phone calls on birthdays, holidays, and several times a month, we strive to send photographs periodically of our children's growth and accomplishments. The grandparents' photos are pinned to a bulletin board in the kitchen. We look through the photo album often. 

We mention the grandparents by name as they come to our minds. When baking, we recall that this is Mammy's sugar cookie recipe and this is one of the chairs that Grandpa refinished for us. We also take advantage of the opportunities to reminisce about activities together, like, "Remember the summer Grandpa played croquet with you?" or, "Remember how you used to giggle when Pappy rode you on his foot?" Their great-grandfather and great-grandmother helped us plant grass and brought flowers all the way from Pennsylvania. These are only a few of the memories that strengthen !he bonds. 

Many gifts we send are handmade, which gives us an additional time to dwell on those we see so rarely. We compiled some of our son's drawings into books and accompanied them with original three-year-old stories. The grandmothers are talented in handwork and crafts. We listen for our mail carrier's looting horn indicating a surprise package hanging on our rural mail box. Afternoons find us watching for the UPS truck to pull in our driveway. 

Promoting a common interest with a grandparent provides a basis for interaction and a resource for sharing, whether it means enjoying the same pets (pigeons. fish, beagles, rabbits); finding pleasure at the same pastimes (hunting, flea marketing, embroidering, or gardening): or collecting the same items (dolls, bottles, books, houseplants). It is worth discovering that familiar interest and developing it together. 

We keep ourselves connected in these ways in spite of the great distance. We refuse to be apart emotionally simply because the miles separate us. We insist on being a part of each other's world. 

--Kim P., Escanaba, Michigan 

Whether grandparents are near or far, our children's attitudes toward them will be strongly influenced by our own spoken and unspoken feelings for our parents and in-laws. Just as children will echo their father's respect for their mother or their mother's affection for their father, they will naturally imitate their parents’ relationships with other family members. In our family, this seems to have been all the encouragement our son has needed to form good relationships with his grandparents. He has grown up making phone calls, giving cards, and dropping in on Grandma and Grandpa as often as the situation permits, just as we do. Knowing that his parents love and trust these people permits him the freedom and security to pursue his own relationships with his grandparents 

What should we do if we do not trust our parents, or cannot get along with them,  or do not want them influencing our children with ideas or lifestyles distasteful to us? Our well-motivated pressing toward a "proper" relationship between our children and their grandparents may only clarify to the children the hypocrisy of this situation. They hear our private comments, sense our holding back, and seldom feel free to love where we cannot. 

Our best option may be to use the child-grandparent relationship (especially a new one) as an opportunity to learn to love together. We can do those things – visits, letters, phone calls, and special get-togethers – which would flow out of a normal, loving relationship, and consciously stay open to finding value in and learning to enjoy these unique members of our family. 

Personal respect despite differences is a key factor in this process. Trying to hide our real feelings for our parents or in-laws is not enough, and it may backfire years later as our children develop a similar  relationship toward us. Trying to change these feelings by developing loving habits and attitudes is obviously the harder route, but it is one that cannot help but positively influence the people involved. If we truly want to foster a good relationship between our children and their grandparents, we must be willing to mode! that love ourselves. I think that as the years go by, we will find it has been worth the effort. 

--Jennifer F., Lorton, Virginia