My five-year-old boy has taken an interest in guns and "fighting."' I do not advocate having guns as toys, but my husband believes there is nothing wrong with an active little boy having them.  I don't want to be overly protective, but don't want to promote a nonchalant attitude about guns in today's society either. How do I compromise with my husband and son on this very touchy subject? 

--Karen P.,  Alexandria, Virginia 

I, too, have agonized over the "gun decision." At first, I swore my son would never have a gun. Then, when he confiscated all the toilet paper spindles for guns, I gave up and bought him a water pistol. My husband owns both a gun and a rifle (which I made him put away and render inoperable), and he and my son often play toy guns together and have the greatest time. (Oh, how I wish it were basketball or baseball!) 

I decided I needed to either change my attitude or go bonkers. I thought about the role weapons play in our society and others. In Japan (a much less violent society than ours) a warrior earns respect and honor. Native Americans trained young boys to become braves and thus reach a higher position in their society. I thought about the kinds of play my son did with his gun and other weapons; it was good guy against the bad guys. We rely on our police officers and our military to protect us from the "bad guys" and threats against our country. After observing my son and his friends, I have come to believe that this protective and fighting instinct is as natural as the nurturing and mothering instinct, stronger in some than in others. 

I explained to my son that the desire to protect others is a wonderful thing. Our society needs police and the military, and the person who risks his personal safety to help others is a hero indeed. It is okay for a little boy to play at these roles, but he needs to understand that fighting with others is not okay. 

In the meantime, I do not allow my son to watch violent programs on television, or movies containing violence. 

While I encourage him to play in other ways, I've accepted that he (and his dad) will continue to play guns and fighting games. 

--Linda G., Vienna, Virginia 

My husband and I decided together to accept guns as toys in our home. When our older child demonstrated an interest in toy guns we felt it best to have them available for discussions, playing, and learning. I was afraid that banning toy guns could create an obsession with them. I don't think that having toy guns has manifested any abnormal behavior in my child. With relief I note that they get set aside as quickly as any toy  I would prefer him to play with. The newest thing upstages the rest, per usual. 

You can explore compromises about different types of toy guns you would be more comfortable with, set a number limit to how many can be in the house, etc. Whatever you decide, trust your parenting! 

--Faustine D.,  Baltimore, Maryland 

My son Kevin is also five and has been increasingly interested in guns, "fighting," superheroes and villains since about age three. I agree with certain child development authors that some of this is healthy, imaginative play about themes of death, good and evil, competition, and adventure. However, after much soul-searching, we told Kevin that we do not want toy guns in our house because they remind us of the excessive gun violence in the real world today and make us sad. Also, they are toys which limit the imagination as it's hard to  pretend to use them for anything but hurting or killing. He is free to pretend other objects are guns (e.g. fingers, Duplo), except if it scares another child or if he's in a public place where it may annoy or frighten someone. He's free to play with toy guns at other kids' homes. He knows that we won't keep guns which come with a new toy or as a gift. He is allowed to play with toy swords and such (not as salient to me as a modern weapon). The use of toy guns by a child does not produce adult criminality or violence, obviously, but I do think kids pick up values from our reactions and rules. 

We talk to Kevin about what to do if he is unsure of whether a gun is a toy or real, or what to do if he finds one at someone's home. I have asked friends whether they have guns at home and how they are secured.

I have seen families with all types of solutions to this issue. I don't think there is one right decision, except that we must talk to children from an early age about firearms, safety, and violence because they are 
exposed to it anyway. And we must all try to be sure that children (ours and others) have no access to firearms. 

--Candice H., Rockville, Maryland 

I have two sons, ages five and seven. I agree with your husband's view that there is nothing wrong with little boys playing with guns, as long as they know the difference between play guns and real guns. Our boys understand that real guns can cause serious injury or death. 

There have been several instances when my sons can't find their toy guns and decide to settle the problem by making their own. This is when their creative little minds go into action. I've seen them make guns out of sticks from the back yard, tennis racquets, straws, cotton swabs, lacrosse sticks, and tinker toys. 

How could you compromise with your husband and son on this issue? Don't initiate buying guns for your son. If guns do enter your son's possession, explain the difference between toy guns and real guns to him and make sure he has a clear understanding of the difference. Then let his imagination run wild and enjoy his creativity as a little boy. Next year he'll forget the guns and be onto something else -- maybe driving! 

--Lisa M., McLean, Virginia

I am the mother of five children, ages ranging from twenty-six to eight years old. My oldest son had an infatuation with guns when he was around five or six years old. I did not like the idea of him possessing any kind of gun, fearing his infatuation would turn into an obsession. 

I grew up with guns. But my father taught me many gun safety rules, which have helped me deal with my son's desire for a gun. We bought my son a play gun. But he was never to point the gun at anyone, and if he did the gun was taken away for a season. In less than a year my son completely lost interest in guns, never to ask for another one. Possibly peer pressure did a lot too -- when my son went to play with other children, they would instruct my son how guns were not safe to play with! 

My children and I investigate their interests that I don't support. We go to the library and search out books on the subject, or find knowledgeable people and get firsthand information that could possibly help bring us some unity on the idea. Use it all to reinforce learning and it makes it more fun because the child is already interested in the subject. 

It all seems like reverse psychology, but it is good that you look a fear squarely in the face. Get all the information about it and it suddenly doesn't seem like such a monster. Children learn more from our life than our words. You appear to be a very conscientious mom who does not have a nonchalant attitude about guns, and I'm sure you will impart this to your son. 

--Margie H., Oakland, California