Problem:

Solutions:

You are going to love having children several years apart. My boys are four years apart. We didn't plan that age span, but I think we all have benefited from it. To use engineering terms we have noticed that children who are close in age seem to be raised in "parallel" doing the same things at the same time, while children like ours are raised in "series" doing things one after the other. Just think you will never have two in diapers and you will never have to have a double stroller or two car seats.

There will always be sibling rivalry, but I think we avoided some of the worst of it. By the time our youngest was mobile our oldest was in kindergarten for most of the day and this prevented many battles. My boys are not as competitive as my sister and I were because they are never on the same team or competing for the same part in a play. Usually they are not even interested in having the same privileges. It was a big deal when my oldest got to spent weeks at his grandparents each summer, but my youngest knew he was not ready to leave mommy for that long. My oldest may have complained about mowing the lawn and taking out the trash, but he knew his little brother was not large enough to do these tasks. Families with children in series often have to develop elaborate systems of even and odd days for sharing chores and privileges. We have found that we can just let the younger child take over a chore when his is able to and we find a new and more challenging chore for the older child.

I also think the four year age gap has given my children more freedom to “be themselves” and develop their own interests. Recently we noticed a new benefit. We are thinking of forming a "we can leave the house club" with other couples we know. All our oldest children are the same age and can baby-sit their younger siblings. Our friends whose children are closer in age have to wait until their oldest is several years older because the younger one will not accept having the older one in charge.

One piece of practical advice I can give you is to try to drive carpool around your baby's naptime. I would even offer to drive afternoon carpool every day if the other families can split up the morning trips. If you drive at the same time each day the baby will naturally slip into a schedule of having his naps in the car.

Cam in South Carolina

We, too, experienced secondary infertility. This was after 1st spending thousands on advanced reproductive techniques, without ever achieving a pregnancy. I then became pregnant naturally! Our miracle son, Nathan, was born 9 months later. After that, I did become pregnant again, but miscarried. After that, the secondary infertility kicked in and I never got pregnant again.

We knew we wanted to parent 2 children and when friends of ours came home from China with a beautiful, healthy little girl they had just adopted, our hearts led us there also.

Our daughter, Natalie, joined our family when she was 10 1/2 months old and Nathan was 5 1/2 years old, so there is an age difference of about 5 years.

As with anything, there are advantages and disadvantages to the age difference, but over all, they are great buddies, play well together and simply adore each other.

I guess my advice would be not to place such an emphasis on the age difference. Your children will find many ways to interact and the older one will even help the little one along in learning all sorts of things like reading, etc.

Also, I know that adoption may not be in your minds right now, but consider this when thinking of your secondary infertility-which is more important to you? To give birth or to be a parent? For us, the answer was that we wanted to be parents, plain and simple.

Both of our children are miracles and we love them both deeply and profoundly. I wish you well in your parenting journey!

Pat in Pennsylvania

I am sorry to hear about your secondary infertility. Secondary infertility can be just as devastating as primary infertility, yet often friends and family do not understand that and may unknowingly add to the pain by asking things like, "When will you have another?"

It must be very hard for you when your community has many children close in age. However, as we tell our children this is not something which should be ruled by peer pressure.

My 2 younger children are further apart than I would have liked. As a matter of fact, if I hadn't gotten pregnant that month we were going to stop trying because I felt the age difference would be too great. I realize now and did shortly after that the gap has no bearing on anything. Even if I were to become pregnant now the age difference doesn't matter. The age difference would be nearly 15 yrs. Which certainly should be significant but to me isn't.

Good luck.

Marlene

I would love to give plenty of reassurance that a farther spacing between children can work out beautifully. My first two children were 17 months apart, but my wonderful surprise baby, Megan, came when our older two were ages 6 and 41/2. I have experienced both kinds of spacings and to sum it all up: there are pros and cons to both, and in my experience neither was easier or harder. I just live for the "bright side" of the situations I've been given and move forward.

Perhaps the best thing for me about a farther spacing was the fact that, with my older children in grade school and preschool when Megan came along, I had large chunks of time one-on-one with my new baby. I treasured our quiet mid-morning nursings and naps together. That was something I didn't get much of with the first two. I got pregnant when my first baby was nine months old and from that point on I felt I was caring for two and my attention was divided. As Megan has moved into her preschool years with the older two now in grade school full-time, we continue to enjoy our quiet time together during the day and I have been able to get more involved with her preschool classroom than I could with my younger two.

The second best thing was that by the time Megan came along, my oldest daughter was a tremendous mommy's helper, even through the adjustment of becoming a big sister again. She loved helping me with dressing and changing Megan, carrying the diaper bag for me, finding spit-out pacifiers near the car seat, grabbing the phone while I was nursing, and many more "little" things that become so much tougher to do with a baby around. There were times I truly felt I couldn't have managed so well without her, as it was tough to get back into baby mode at first. I kept forgetting to bring a diaper bag in the car during those early weeks! Even my son, at age 4, was a good helper with a little extra supervision.

I can also tell you that I have seen my older two children grow in special ways from having Megan around. I have seen them be more caring and careful than most children their age when around little ones at parks and play areas. They are very comfortable around small children and babies in our family as well, and get very excited about spending time with their little cousins. Megan has also learned a lot from them: she started brushing her teeth earlier than most kids because she copies everything big bro and sis do!

Of course there will be moments when it is not so easy - my kids used to announce "Doom of Baby!" when Megan would crawl into their rooms and head for their toys. But I can honestly say that the difficulties were never any harder than the kind you face when juggling two children under age 3 in your life. You just hang onto family and friends for support, take a deep breath, and keep the faith! The difficult days and stages always pass. So take heart: whenever the next baby comes into your lives, he or she will be a blessing!

Anji in Colorado

I read with great interest the topic in the "New Problem" column (March 2003) concerning the age spread of siblings. My boys, ages 10 and 3-1/2, couldn't be better brothers, best friends, playmates, confidantes, etc.

Our older son was 6 when he started to say to his Dad and me that he wanted a brother who was a toddler, not a sister and not a baby. Can you tell that he's aware of adoption options? My husband always wanted another child, but I was happy and content with our one son, who we adopted as an infant. Since we were in our late 40's/early 50's, I wondered if we were too old. After a month of weighing our options, I agreed that a toddler boy would be a great addition to our family. Our older son was involved with all the paper work, home studies, interviews and background checks. He was often able to keep his patience better than me! All three of us traveled to Russia in the summer of 2000. When our toddler was presented to us, his brother was the first to see him, hold him, get down on the floor and crawl with him. His first act was to teach his little brother how to do "raspberries!" The first month passed with them being inseparable. Our little Russian was shown off to family, friends and even complete strangers on our walks and in the grocery store. Whenever anyone got too close, Big Brother stepped in to protect his Little Brother. My husband and I thought that the novelty would wear off, but no way! We tend to think that since Bib Brother was so instrumental and involved in the process of getting a brother, he is that much more grateful and appreciative. The older one has flourished with patience and determination to show his brother all the important things: playing with army men, making airplane sounds, throwing a ball, etc. The younger one runs to his brother, in front of Mom and Dad. The hero look is ever present on his face. From our 10 year old, I can't get a hug or kiss in public, let alone hold hands, but he'll gladly and independently do so with his little brother.

The two brothers from different sides of the world are forever connected. I wouldn't have it any other way.

My advice? Give your daughter a sibling to share her future.

Roberta in Ohio

PS November is national adoption month; I'd love to see that entire issue be devoted to the myriad of topics surrounding adoption. As a 10-year subscriber I’ve wondered why it hasn’t been done.

My children are almost five years apart in age which, I feel, is a perfect spacing for our family. My daughter is almost six and is in full day kindergarten and my son is 14 months old. My biggest fear about having a second child after having our daughter was that I would not get to spend nearly the amount of one-on-one time with the next baby. I was concerned that I would not be able to develop the special relationship with the second baby that I share with my daughter. I was also concerned that I would not be able to handle the daily demands of caring for two very young children at the same time! However, with my daughter in school all day I have the best of both worlds; two wonderful children, a sibling for my daughter AND individual time with my baby. Also, because my daughter is older, she is able to handle more on her own, freeing me up (somewhat!) to take care of the baby's needs. Another plus to their age difference is a lack of competition in their sibling relationship; because they are so far apart in age they are not trying to accomplish the same skills at similar times. My daughter is proud of the baby for each new milestone he achieves and he is thrilled about everything she does! Finally, another bonus is I've met some moms that I would not otherwise have come in contact with now that I start my second round of library classes and other baby activities. Good luck to you and your family!

Brenda in Connecticut

I too experienced secondary infertility. There seems to a lack of empathy for this state. Those with complete infertility are praying for one child and think you're greedy. This does remove your sadness over not being able to have more children. It may make you have more empathy for women experiencing any sort of infertility.

I have two bits of advice. Firstly, take good care of yourself and relax. You need to do this for yourself, your child and to be ready for the children you may have in the future.

Secondly, I'll share some advice I received from a mother of one boy (16 at the time). She advised me to accept the possibility that my son might be an only child and to embrace that family. She saw it as a wonderful role...you can live in THE house to play at, you can be the mom who has time to listen to all the kids, or the mom who can volunteer at the school on a regular basis. She felt like a mom to her son's friends. For me, more babies did come but I'll always remember the joy in her voice as she explained her role as mom.

Our four boys are now 10, 5, 4, and 8 months. They are all very close despite the gaps in ages.

Eileen in New Jersey

Here is my response to Jessica, whose new problem appeared in the March, 2003 issue of Welcome Home:

I sympathize with your secondary infertility and the issues that accompany it. My husband and I adopted two children 3 years ago after grieving not being able to add a biological child to our family. We now have a 28-year-old daughter and 2 four-year-olds. The 28-year-old is enamored with her little sisters. The four-year-olds love each other and their big sister, and have a relationship with each other that can only be described as "unique."

Although I am not a mom to children with a 5-year age spread, I have experience with such a difference. There is a 5-year gap between each of my siblings and myself. So, as the youngest of 4 children, I have a brother who is 15 years older than me, a sister who was born 10 years before me, and a sister who is 5 years my senior.

I give my parents credit for treating each child as a marvelous addition to the family. My sister, who is 10 years older than me, called me "her baby" and loved taking care of me. My other sister, who was 5 when I was born, is still proud that she "named" me. My brother, whom I don't remember from my early childhood because he went to college when I was 3, thought it was "cool" that his mom was having another baby. He is beloved to me, as I am to him.

My advice is enjoy your children and let them enjoy each other. Let them know how exciting it was as their "arrival" was anticipated. Regardless of their age difference, they'll have each other throughout life. What a great gift!

Sincerely,

Regina

I've had lots of opportunity to think about the relative merits of closely-spaced and widely-spaced children, since I've experienced both. I have two daughters who are 12 and 10 (24 months apart), and a son who is 3 1/2.

As with most things in life, there are both pros and cons to having widely-spaced kids. One of the advantages I noticed immediately when my son was born is that wide spacing makes the baby stage much easier, because the older sibling is more independent and doesn't need as much physical care. (In my case, my son was a high-maintenance colicky baby, so I was especially thankful not to be potty training or chasing a toddler around at the same time.) Also, the older sibling can be a true help with the baby — even if only to bring you another glass of water while you're sitting on the couch nursing. Another advantage of wide spacing is that it allows you to focus more fully on the younger child as an individual. I know that far too often I have dealt with my daughters as a unit rather than as individuals because they are close to the same stage in life. In contrast, I've been able to give my son that special, focused attention that is often only experienced by a first-born child. I have also found that wide spacing has allowed me to relate to other moms of various ages and stages, because I have both older and younger children. I love having common ground both with friends in their 20's who are just starting families, and with my older sister whose kids are 12 and 14. In addition, I have appreciated the unique learning experiences that my daughters have had living with a much-younger sibling. They've learned a lot about childcare and child development because they are old enough to observe it in action. I hope these experiences will be helpful for them as they grow up to be moms themselves.

The biggest challenge I have faced is that my daughters and my son have such widely varying needs. This problem seems to rear its head mostly in the area of entertainment. It's hard to find family activities that we can ALL do together and ALL enjoy. A hike that my son can handle is dull for my daughters. If my husband and daughters and I sit down to play a board game, how will we occupy my son at the same time? My husband and I end up "splitting up" fairly often, one of us with the girls and one with our son. That gets old after a while. There are other solutions to this challenge — for example, making use of willing grandparents to entertain one child while doing an "older" or "younger" Saturday activity with the other child. It just takes thought and creativity. Right now family bike rides are a great option for us, because my son can ride in the bike seat behind my husband and thus keep up with the rest of the family. When I feel frustrated by this aspect of our family life, I try to remind myself that I do enjoy the variety a wide age span provides. Just think — if I had had all my kids two years apart, I wouldn't have gotten to read "Herry Monster's New Shoes" AND explain the mathematical meaning of "pi" all in one day, like I did today!

Another potential disadvantage is the fact that widely-spaced kids aren't natural playmates. I miss that convenience of having an in-house playmate for my son. On the other hand, I don't miss the competition and bickering that goes along with it! I also don't worry that my son is somehow missing out by not having sibling playmates. My only sister is 4 years older than me, and we seldom played together as kids, but while growing up I never gave that a thought. I had my school friends and my best friend on my block and I found plenty of ways to entertain myself alone — I never once felt I was somehow deprived by not having a close-in-age sibling.

Even at those times when my children's wide age gap brings some frustrations, my overriding feeling is gratitude that my little boy is part of our family. He has enriched all of our lives. I bet you'll feel the same way when you are blessed with number two, no matter how many years that takes.

Karen in California

After having our first child with no problems, my husband and I also experienced secondary infertility. After several treatments and tests, we decided to adopt when my daughter was four. She was six when we finally received our son. Then, when our son was six, I unexpectedly (but joyously!) got pregnant. So, we have quite a large age difference, twice.

It actually has not been bad at all. I have been able to spend a lot of time with each baby, as you would with your first. The older ones would be in school all day or have other activities, and I never felt guilty of all the time I was giving the baby during the day. There was never much sibling rivalry as they are all doing different things. The older ones were a lot of help and the younger ones have the older ones to look up to and learn things from.

Now, I must admit that sometimes I feel like I am living in 3 different time zones! Right now I have one in college, one in middle school and one in Kindergarten. I have to keep up with what's the latest Barbie, the new hip hop band, and Student college loans. But it keeps you flexible. The kids are really close despite their age differences and enjoy doing things together now.

You know, I don't think I would have necessarily planned it like this on purpose, but this is my family and we have made it work for us. There are blessings and inconveniences in any family situation. My kids don't have live-in similar age playmates, but I haven't had to hire a babysitter in a very long time!

One last thought, If there is a RESOLVE chapter (infertility support group) in your area, call and find out if they have a sub-group for people with secondary infertility. My husband attended one back when we were going through this and it helped a lot. Just to talk to others that are experiencing similar feelings makes it seem a lot easier to deal with.

Cindy in New Jersey

My oldest child was 1 week shy of her 5th birthday when her brother was born. Because my husband was in law school for 3 years after her birth, we did not start trying for a second child until she was 3 1/2. We did not get pregnant right away, and each month that went by caused me alot of agony. I knew she was getting older and I worried the kids would not have anything in common, and wouldn't be close. I should not have worried, since my daughter is a wonderful big sister, and my son just loves her. They really play together now, at ages 7 and 2, and she has a great "student" for her to read to and teach. The only drawback I can see is that we have trouble finding activities to do as a family that will meet the abilities and interests of both children.

My 2nd and 3rd children are only 25 months apart and I can tell that it is much more of a challenge caring for a toddler and a newborn than it was with a preschooler and a newborn. My advice to you: count your blessings and try to have a 2nd child, even if your daughter will be 5 or older. She will love the baby and be a helper to you caring for him or her.

Anonymous

My husband and I chose to have our children farther apart in age and I cannot say enough about how wonderful it is. Our two sons are four-and-a-half years apart in age and our daughter was born last summer almost five-and-a-half years after our second son. While it may seem that children closer in age get along better, we have found that our sons are truly best buddies. They play together endlessly and have had very little sibling rivalry. In turn, they now are both fabulous big brothers to their sister and have had absolutely no adjustment problems welcoming her into our family. From the parenting perspective I have been able to enjoy each of my children as babies and toddlers with lots of one-on-one time. Finally, I am the middle of three sisters; my older sister is two years older and my younger sister is four years younger and we are all best friends so I think the age spacing may have little to do with whether or not children will have close relationships. Personality and a nurturing family are probably more important!

Cindy in Wisconsin

I, too, suffered from unexpected secondary infertility. There is a seven-and-half year age difference between my daughter and her twin siblings.

My daughter is totally enamored with her new brother and sister. While it was initially difficult to go from only child to being the big sister of twins, my daughter is a huge help, especially on the many nights when Daddy is working late! She is looking forward to teaching them their ABC's, numbers, reading, and other wonderful things (and also some not so wonderful things that second graders learn from their peers!)

The best advise that I can offer you is to enjoy this time with your oldest. How special it is to be the only child, lavished with all of Mommy and Daddy's attention! My daughter has such fond memories of our time together, before her siblings arrived. We had lunch out every Thursday at the local bagel shop, "just us girls" days at the mall, snuggle time every morning and evening, trips to the park, etc. We talk about this whenever our twosome is taking a little too much of my time. I tell her how lucky she was to have had all this time with Mommy and Daddy. Even now, we still have time together every day and weekend, just like old times.

Just a little note about preventing sibling rivalry: Before our babies came home, I sent out an e-mail about paying attention to our oldest when they walked into our home before going to meet the babies. They would not know that they had visitors, but my oldest would remember everything. Friends and family made such a big fuss over her (and most brought her "big sister" gifts, too), that there was virtually no jealousy on my big girl's part.

Good luck!

Name Withheld

I just want to encourage you, Jessica, that children can be close no matter what the age spread. My children are ages 20, 17, 13, and 7., and yet they are all close to each other. The oldest is a boy and the youngest is a boy, the middle two are girls. My boys are very close even though the oldest is away at a college three hours from home. When he left to go back to school after spring break they were both in tears at their parting. My girls are in high school and jr high. And yes they have their sibling squabbles, but they support one another in so many ways, even though there is 4 1/2 yrs between them. We as parents have tried to make family times a priority, and also keep an atmosphere at home of total respect for one another, and of encouraging one another as much as possible. I too worried about the age differences between my kids, but happily I can say that they are close despite that.

Name Withheld

Dear Jessica,

I know what you are going through. We had planned 2-3 year spacing between children, but by the time our second is born our first will be 5 years 3 months old. We learned that fertility isn't a light switch that can be turned on and off when you want.

A place that might be of help is: http://www.pages.ivillages.com/aejmtoo/ It's a website called Widely Spaced Siblings (those where there is an age gap of at least 5 years). Also there are groups online that offer support during infertility.

Best of luck to you,

Rachel in Minnesota

When I saw your new problem, I thought, here is a problem I can answer! You are certainly not alone in dealing with secondary infertility. It is so difficult though when you are the only person you know who isn't just blissfully popping babies out. If you would like some support and more information about secondary infertility and the treatments available, may I recommend the World Wide Web. You could probably find at least one support group at YahooGroups.com. I can't say enough about the comfort it was to have the support and encouragement of other women who truly understood what I was going through.

Secondly, I can address your question about the age difference between your children. My son and daughter are almost exactly five years apart (their due dates were only one day apart!). My son was old enough to understand and appreciate both how I was feeling during pregnancy and to anticipate the arrival of our new family member. He was also old enough to wait fairly patiently when I couldn't help him or do things with him right away like I did before the new baby. He was present when his little sister was born and honestly, though I'd hardly believe it myself, there has been no jealousy toward her! They are close and enjoy playing together, although conflicts have occurred more often now that she is two and a half and has gotten more rowdy and more inclined to demand her own way! My feeling about the interval between children is that it is really the personalities of the children and the effort you make to foster family closeness that is essential. I think it is a mistake to assume that just because some "expert" says 3.5 years is the ideal interval, that you are doing your children a grave disservice by not "spacing" them that way. Life is what it is; we can't control these things, and I think that is a gift.

I hope this helps, and may you be blessed with a new baby sooner rather than later.

Jenny in Kentucky

I have nothing but good things to say about the age gap between my children. My son was 6 years old when my daughter was born. I know friends and family wondered why we waited so long to have a second child, but it never bothered me and still doesn’t. In fact, it makes complete sense to me. I wanted to be able to spend as much time with my second child as I did with my first. Now I have that opportunity. I bring my son to school in the morning, and then my daughter and I have the whole day to ourselves. I love it. And, as an added bonus, I don’t have to deal with sibling rivalry. My son understands that babies are helpless and need almost constant attention. Incredibly, he has become a great helper around the house. He enjoys playing on the floor with his sister and reads to her. They have developed a very strong sibling bond that is loving and caring, not competitive.

Ann

We have been there, and I understand your concerns; but you have enough to worry about as you go through those treatments so please stop worrying. I truly believe that there is no 'right' age span for children in a family. Children have happy childhoods in families with one child or seven children; with close age spans larger ones.

Our children are 16, 12, and 6. Many people assume they are from different marriages, but they're not. I too had infertility problems. Since you've probably already thought through the negative aspects of a larger age span, I'd like to share some of the positive ones with you.

My time home with them when they were little was never (well hardly ever) chaotic, and I was rarely exhausted; because I only had one baby or toddler at a time. I was calm and happy and I truly believe that affects who they are to this day. Each of our children has had a lot of one-on-one time with my husband and I. We take advantage of their separate bedtimes; since our oldest has always stayed up the latest, we have often had late night conversations with him. When our youngest was still taking naps, our middle daughter and I would read together and do crafts while her older brother was out skateboarding. And both my older two were in school when our youngest was born; I cherish the memory of those years alone with him before he started kindergarten.

There is very little competition between our kids. Their grades have always been about their own successes and failures, never because of what their sibling was doing. And their extra-curricular activities have always been of their own choosing. I know many families with kids close in age where the parents always have them doing the same sport, or going to the same birthday parties. More often than not one of them doesn't want to be there.

While they still fight, there's a very nurturing side to their relationships, especially with our youngest. He gives the other two hugs goodnight, and often they say "I love you" to each other. I don't know if that would happen if they were very close in age. And once they're adults the age span won't matter at all.

I have always arranged a lot of play dates for them, since they don't have a built in playmate. And even our six-year-old has kids spend the night often.

We will only have to pay for college for one kid at a time; we get a much longer time to parent, and we've had a built in babysitter for over four years and will from now on.

In some ways it's harder for the kids to be farther apart, and in some ways it's easier. Often I think that it would have been nice to have them a little closer, but that wasn't a choice I had. My only other choice would have been not to have them, and I can't even imagine choosing that!

Karen in California

Finally a question I can be of help with!

We have two girls who are 4 years and 9 months apart and pretty much planned that way. Neither shared their babyhood with the other thus giving each of them a lot more individual attention during those formative years. When our second daughter came along, the first one was thrilled. She was old enough to understand much of the pregnancy and really seemed excited with each new development. After the birth, our older child, at almost five years old, didn't require as much hands-on care so I could devote my time to our newborn with less hassle. The older one then went off to kindergarten and I had a full day to devote to the baby.

Now that they are 15 and 10 years old respectively, the situation of funding only one at a time through college is also a positive. They have remained fairly close throughout the years although, as in any sibling relationship, they have their moments. There is also that babysitting bonus. The older one can now baby-sit her sister when available. Talk about a treat! All in all, I'd have to say that spacing out my girls has been a very positive experience for our family.

Carol

My husband and I have two daughters who are almost 5 1/2 years apart and we planned it that way. Although I knew many parents who had children close together and were handling their busy lives quite well, I knew I really wanted to just enjoy my daughter one on one and savor each stage of her life before deciding to expand our family.

As a result, she and I are extremely close as well as she and her daddy. I believe our time together has helped shape her into a confident, intelligent, mature person who at the age of 5 was ready to become a big sister.

Now at 7 and 2, our daughters truly enjoy each other. Sure, life is not perfect and we do have squabbles and tears occasionally, but because of the age difference our older daughter takes on the role of player, protector and teacher more often than not and our younger daughter in turn looks up to her big sister for guidance and encouragement. The age difference works for us.

Karen in Texas

Dear friend at Welcome Home,

Our second child is four years and five month younger than our oldest. They are five years apart in school because of where in the year their birthdays fall. We also have a third child who is two years and eight months younger than our second child.

The most important thing I can tell you about child spacing is that whatever spacing you have in your family will seem right and normal to you.

It is true that my first and second did not spend a lot of time together when they sere little, since my first started kindergarten when the second was ten months old, but when they did play together, the almost five year old was very patient at playing some favorite games like "build a block tower and let baby knock it down".

Also by the time my second came along the older one was toilet trained and could dress and feed himself.

The main disadvantage I noticed is that when we went to other people's houses to play, they didn't often have children quite the right ages to play with mine. I had to make an effort to have each child have a close in age playmate available.

My children are now 19, 15, and 12 and as they have gotten older they have gotten to be very good friends with each other and have found some activities that they all enjoy doing together.

I am convinced that any child spacing can work well as long as we are sensitive to the needs of each of these wonderful people that join our family.

Mary in Minnesota

My kids are four and nine, and the choice of when they were born wasn't entirely up to us, either. Both are adopted. Before the arrival of our "number two", I worried about the age span as well. It hasn't made as big a difference as I thought it would. When they were younger it was so dear to see the older one "help" with the little one. At the same time, my first years alone with my older child were critical, and I still see in her the confidence instilled when she had us all to herself. The subsequent blessing of learning to share for her has come disguised as some intense sibling rivalry as she forges a relationship with a brother now able to communicate and compete. I am quite sure it is impossible to parent without the proverbial black and white striped shirt and whistle, though.

I see many other similarities in my children's relationship and the relationships of other siblings I encounter. . They also have bonded closeness when they can interact for long periods of time without our intervention! I wish you could see my husband and I beam at each other then! It's tough to come up with activities that engage both of them, but as time passes their abilities "jive" more and we get more proficient at it. There are some things they can do together. We capitalize on the interests they both have, in our case, sports. That is something any parent has to do regardless of the age difference of their children. I actually am glad I've been forced to remember that they are at such very different stages of development that I must individualize to each one. We talk more about each individual child than we do "the kids", and that's not all bad.

It is hard to find "like" families for us, too, but I think that's true for any family; personality, gender, and interests all add to age levels to make it difficult to find families where all members are compatible. We have built in time for each child to interact with friends on their own time. We find that our kids become bigger gateways to the community the older they get. When your daughter gets more involved in a formal education and more structured activities, you will meet more parents, some of whom will be more like you!

The best line, though, is my dad's friendly reminder that we will be REALLY glad there is a gap in their ages when we are paying college tuition! My warmest hopes go out to you. Take good care of yourself while you wait, and enjoy the ride with your three year old.

Jody in Minnesota

First of all, the good news: there are lots of parents with children 4+ years apart, but you may not have met them yet! My husband and I also experienced secondary infertility and I, too, had begun to feel a little alone in my world of mother friends, almost all of whom were having their second children very soon after the first, usually somewhere around 20 months to 2 1/2 yrs old. There was lots of talk amongst these moms about how having them close together might be hard at first, but great later on since they would entertain each other and be best friends, etc. etc. I started to feel nervous that, assuming I could have a second, my kids wouldn't know each other well or wouldn't get along due to such a big age difference. I had three miscarriages between baby #1 and 2 and after the third, I was telling a good friend how sad I felt about the fact that my oldest was going to be so much older than her sibling, should she ever have one. In a very caring tone, she told me that you really can't predict how any of this will turn out and used her own family situation as an example. She has a sister very close in age who she never felt was a friend, who was always unduly competitive and jealous and with whom she has little contact today, yet her cousin, 13 years her junior, ultimately became a best friend and has been much more like a sister than her real one. While I was still sad about the three miscarriages, this little story really helped me to stop worrying about how other families were taking shape and just focus on my own family, whatever it was meant to be. We took a small foray into the fertility world, and were just considering seeing someone about treatment when we had a pregnancy that lasted to term putting our children at 3 years 10 months apart. This age span has had its good side and it's down side, just like every other age difference, and it has been perfect for our family. Another place you might find support for your situation is the American Infertility Association at www.americaninfertility.org. or 888-917-4777. Good luck to you and your husband!

Monica in New York

We found ourselves in a similar situation, when our daughter was 3 1/2 and I still was not pregnant. I began to think we would have an only child or have what would be considered a HUGE span in our children's ages. Most of our friends children were not much more than 2 years apart. Our son was born nearly 4 1/2 years after our daughter and it couldn't have worked out better. First of all, the extra time made the adjustment to having a sibling much easier on our spirited daughter (and thereby all of us). Second, once we had our son, we found quite a few families who have children with similar age spans. I would almost say lots of them! Prior to having him, I wasn't aware of any! I'm hoping that your experience will be similar but in any case, try to focus on your own family and the benefits of being the way you are!

Please do not include my name! Thank you! and Thank you VERY much for being there!!!!!

I had a very similar experience with secondary infertility. My two children are almost five years apart in age. Not surprisingly I've seen pros and cons to the age range. One good part is that it was much easier to take care of a newborn when my five-year-old daughter was pretty self-reliant and responsible about things. For example, I remember being able to shower while she monitored the sleeping baby. The negative aspect still lingers - I don't think they bonded as well as closer-spaced children often do. Part of this is that they are a boy and girl, and have a bit less in common due to that. But mostly I believe it is because my daughter was in school all day while my son was home with me, and they literally didn't see much of each other while he was a toddler. I would encourage you, when you do have that second child, to find ways to make the most of your children's time together. Also, my daughter was an "only" for so long, it was hard for her to have to share the spot of "center of the universe" -- also known as sibling rivalry. It is only in the last few years that I have seen them drawing closer together, as my son has grown and has a few more things in common with my daughter.

It is surprising to me that you cannot find even one family with widely-space children. I remember when i wanted so badly to be pregnant again, and it seemed I saw pregnant women everywhere. Perhaps you are seeing tightly spaced children everywhere? As more women put off childbearing into their 30's, fertility decreases - a fact that isn't easy to find out, until it is (almost) too late. This means more women have to have medical intervention to conceive, and explains the increase in multiple births.

Eileen in Virginia

Hi Jessica

I gave birth to my second baby girl in January 2003. My older daughter turned five in February. The age difference between my two daughters has been great. I had five wonderful years (at home) to devote to my firstborn; while many of our friends were busy having their second, third and fourth children. Soon after the baby was born, my older daughter returned to preschool. This gives me the time I need to be with the baby, do laundry, organize my household and rest?! I try to schedule some one on one time with my five year old when she returns home. One day a week I have a sitter that comes in the afternoon to stay with the baby and I am able to pick her up from school and spend an hour or two just with her. Other days, we might go for a walk (the baby usually naps in the stroller), which gives me time to talk about her day and give her the attention she needs. She seems to have taken the addition of her new baby sister in stride. There have been a few moments of jealousy, but for the most part she is my biggest helper. I try to keep her involved with the baby as much as I can - she helps with bath time, she fetches diapers, burpcloths and even gives her a bottle occasionally. She is excited about the baby getting older and I hear her frequently telling her about things she will be able to teach her - cartwheels, monkey bars and swimming to name a few. It is also good if other members of your family (husband, grandparents) can spend special time with your oldest and/or watch the baby to give you more time with her. As the youngest of four children (my siblings are 7, 8 and 10 years older than me) I am just as close with them as they are with each other. I never lacked for attention and my mother had built in babysitters.

I hope that you and your husband are blessed with another child and I wish you luck. All families are unique and, with time, you will find people in similar situations with whom you can relate.

Sincerely,

Lesley in Louisiana

P.S.

Thank you Welcome Home for your wonderful publication! My sister gave me my first subscription after the birth of my five year old and I have been a faithful reader ever since.

My husband and I experienced secondary infertility that resulted in a seven-year age difference between our two sons Colin (now 10) and Liam (3). We were very concerned about what kind of relationship they would have and we were pleasantly surprised at how close they are, and have seen definite advantages with the age gap. The first positive aspect was that there was absolutely no jealousy of the new baby. Colin was old enough to understand what was happening, we talked to him about the work involved with a new baby and he was hugely enthusiastic and helpful during that first year (he even cooked dinner a few times the first few weeks). The baby absolutely adored his older brother, and now they are a mutual admiration society and are growing closer as they get older.

A second advantage is that while the older one is at school I can focus all my attention on Liam. It is like having two "only children", so I feel they both reaped the benefits of having mommy to themselves through infancy and toddlerhood. It has been easier for me as well to be able to focus on one child at a time. Liam is usually napping when Colin comes home from school so I can chat with him peacefully about his day. They play together while I prepare dinner, and I don't have to worry about them squabbling - they never fight over a toy because they rarely want the same toy. Also, Colin has much more patience than I do playing "Hi Ho Cherry-O" twenty times in a row.

A third advantage is that Liam is very flexible and easy-going since we often have to rouse him from a nap to go to Colin's activities. Liam is also very social and comfortable around older kids (he is very popular with Colin's 4th grade class). He was a very early talker and walker because he wanted to do what big brother was doing.

The disadvantages become fewer as they get older, but the biggest one is finding activities we all enjoy as a family. On vacation we usually have to split up so that both kids are entertained, particularly at amusement parks. However, last summer we went to Yellowstone, and Liam (then 2) was very happy going on 4-mile hikes with the rest of us. We got a bike trailer so that we could all go on long bike rides together. My husband has gone camping and skiing with Colin while I stay home with Liam, but now my husband plans to take both boys camping and next year we'll be able to go skiing together. Car trips are a snap because our older son can read to his brother in the back seat and keep him entertained. We have been to Europe a couple of times and plane rides are much easier because Colin happily reads or watches movies so we only have to keep Liam occupied. All in all it has been a positive experience. We had no choice in the age gap, so we try to focus on the advantages. The only alternative was to just have the one child, which was unacceptable. We have occasionally thought about adopting a child that would fall in the middle, but have decided we are happy with the family dynamic as it is. On a side note, my husband's only sibling is six years his junior and they were also extremely close through their childhood and have a special connection as adults.

Lisa in Pennsylvania

I, too, experienced secondary infertility prior to having a second child at age 40. My boys are now almost 10 (in May) and 5. They are incredibly close and loving, and I find that people remark on this fact often. What's more remarkable is that the older one has introverted tendencies, likes reading, playing with Legos, singing and architecture, while the younger one, much more the extrovert, loves soccer, friends, Monopoly, and piano. Both boys understand that they are individuals in their own right, and tend to appreciate their differences as well as their similarities. My husband and I encourage them to pursue their interests, by spending separate time with them. We also do things together, such as going to programs at the Building Museum, or coaching soccer games, so that each can appreciate the others' interests. There are times of course when they argue, but few times when I have to intervene. They have (mostly) learned how to accommodate each other. When I do need to speak with them, I remind them that they are brothers, and see if they can come up with a peaceful solution themselves. I find, because of the age spread, I have been able to spend much more individual attention than if they had been born closer together. Also, as an older mom, I think I have much more patience than I had in younger years. They have benefited from both the age spread as well as my greater sense of maturity than when I was in my twenties. You may wish to look for a support group perhaps with help from your OB/GYN's office. I wish you luck.

Karen in Virginia

We were once that family looking for reassurance about having our children five years apart. It wasn’t exactly our first choice, either. A combination of moving out of state, leaving all family behind and not getting pregnant once we’d actually started, added up to our sons being exactly 5 years minus 3 days apart.

In the early days after Hayden’s birth, I had a 5-year-old son who could independently care for his hygiene and school routines. He could get himself a snack, play at a friend’s house for hours without worrying about being apart from me and relish his special time with Daddy. He could play on the computer, read books, and use his imagination to create diversions for himself when Mom was occupied with the baby. We had a doting brother anxious to hold the baby, help with his care and most importantly, watch him change and develop. He would often say wistfully, “Oh, Mommy, isn’t he just the cutest, smartest, little baby in the whole world?”

Later on, Jaxson did not display any kind of jealousy or resentment of Hayden’s curiosity. Though we had many “check-ins” with each other where we talked about how things used to be and how it was difficult sometimes in a house with a baby, Jaxson was really secure enough to put it in perspective. Because he started kindergarten, he had a whole new world to discover on his own and coming home to “his baby” was something he greatly looked forward to. Maybe 3 or 4 times did we hear the “You love the baby more than me” kind of comment. However, it was the starting point of a needed discussion about his feelings and we followed Jaxson’s lead!

Though it is not always smooth sailing, the older the “big” one is, the easier it is to negotiate and rationalize with them. At age 2, baby brother, Hayden, is Jaxson’s number one fan. Jaxson is old enough to actually remember Hayden’s developmental milestones like rolling over and climbing the stairs and saying his brother’s name for the first time. Jax will caress Hayden under the chin, stare into his eyes and say, “You are growing up so fast!” This is a gift we did not expect.

Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlisch has been a great help in learning to deal with two. Older siblings can discuss their feelings more clearly and get their needs met without fail. Remembering to have time alone with your “big” one while the baby naps is an important part of your “to-do” list but when it doesn’t work out, your first-born is not likely to suffer a blow to their self-esteem.

You might have to actively seek people outside your community with two five years apart. When your child starts school, you won’t be surprised to meet other moms with a new baby at home or on the way. Everyone we’ve ever talked to has had very positive feedback. You are doing the best you can for the family you have right now. The rest will take care of itself very well. Good luck.

Grace from Georgia

We too had secondary infertility including seven miscarriages. I also worried about a large age gap between my daughter and an eventual sibling. The first loss was when our daughter was 4 ½ years old. We’d been trying for over a year to conceive. With the help of a reproductive endocrinologist, our son was born last April when our daughter was almost 6 ½ years old. It was hard seeing friends have one or more babies while I continued to have difficulties.

I have now discovered there are advantages to having an older first child. I happen to have constant morning sickness halfway through the pregnancies so having a child who understood that Mama needed to rest was very helpful. Having a child who can assist with simple household tasks is handy too.

My daughter witnessed the homebirth of her brother. She was the first person to touch him (after me). She welcomed him by saying, “I’m so glad you’re here. Welcome to the family.” They have a strong bond. Every morning my son wakes up my daughter and the smiles they share are so precious. They are so happy to see each other after a separation such as one of my daughter’s classes. My daughter helps with diapering, feeding and keeping a close eye on the baby when I pop out to check the mail or go to the bathroom. She entertains him in the carseat and retrieves dropped toys. My daughter plays with the baby while I make dinner or fold laundry. She makes sure he doesn’t go crawling into the kitty litter pan or pulling down the CD tower next to her computer. Sometimes she practices mothering by rocking her dolls in her child-sized sling and “nursing” her dolls to sleep.

Sure, there are times when my daughter wishes to have some time to herself or she does not want her brother to touch her things. She goes to her room to play and anything that is not safe for him to play with is kept in her room. Since the baby is with me most of the time, I also make sure that my daughter and I have some “just girls” time while my husband has some “just boys” time with the baby. The sibling rivalry issue seems to be lessened because of the age gap. My daughter is less dependent upon me for meeting her basic needs. She can get her own lunch, dress herself, brush her teeth, shower, etc.

Good luck to you with having the next baby. It is not an easy path but it is well worth the effort.

Sue in California

I have three children--one son, almost 12, one son 8, and a daughter who is 4. My husband and I wanted our first child to have sibling close in age. Due to miscarriages, that was not possible. We finally concluded we just wanted a second child, no matter how far apart they were in age!

Fortunately, we have found many advantages to our children being roughly four years apart. The infancy stage is a favorite for me, but can be very high maintenance. It has been nice to only have one baby at a time, and to have a break from sleepless nights and diapers in between children. With the new baby, my four year old was in preschool, which gave me some one on one time with the baby. Also, with the longer naps that a baby takes, I had some one on one time with my four year old. I felt like I more fully appreciated each of the stages my children were in because they were all at different stages at different times.

There is some disadvantage to them all being at different stages at one time in that we feel stretched very thin with their different activities. Also, my second son is very competitive and constantly trying to keep up with a brother who is four years older.

I worried that my children would not have close relationships because of the age spread. My husband and I have been wonderfully surprised by how much our children enjoy each other. They each have their own friends, but when it is just the three of them, they have a wonderful time together. This has been confirmed to us over and over again on our family vacations.

We have come to the conclusion that there is no "perfect" age spacing for children. However, after our first two were almost four years apart, we chose to have our third child four years after the second!

Lisa in California

I love the spacing of my kids! They are 3 1/2 & 5 1/2 years apart in age (23, 19, 14). I had children who could express themselves in complete sentences before each sibling was born, which, I think, cut down on sibling rivalry and the desire to pound on the baby to get rid of frustration. I emphasized the capabilities of the older kids and pointed out how helpless the baby was, helping them appreciate their independence. The older kids also tended to humor their little sister’s whims (i.e., allowing her to sit in the “plum” spot in the car), BUT they would make sure she followed the rules that had been set forth for them, to the letter! (Thank goodness, because I couldn’t even remember all the rules!) Consequently, she is not spoiled, and she has a very moral view of the world.

Because of the age difference, there will be very little overlap in toy interest. My kids liked giving their old toys as Christmas and birthday gifts to their sibs – they looked very altruistic and didn’t have to spend a penny on gifts! The toys that the younger child has coveted, but were off limits for soooo long, are now theirs! Another toy your older daughter will love to play with is the baby! When s/he is old enough to sit up, you will have hours of uninterrupted time because your daughter will have a living doll to dress up and pretend with!

I asked my daughters the pros and cons of their spacing and they offered the following insights:

It was fun to help with the baby!

I didn’t get beat up.

When there were no friends around, it was nice to have someone to play with in the sandbox, with blocks, to do crafts, and pretend with (also, multi-level games, toys and activities).

Did NOT like having to include little sis when had friends over to play – they had nothing in common. Friends usually did not have the patience for little sis. (As the mother, I observed, that although older sibs did not like having younger at their birthday parties, the younger was far less of a pain when she was included. She was usually very quiet and subdued, probably due to the shear size and number of people.)

Did NOT get to do as many activities with older sibs as would have liked to because of age difference (movies, parties, dances, etc.).

I would like to suggest Growing Up Firstborn and The Birth Order Book both by Dr. Kevin Leman, two good books to help you appreciate what you will have. Another book I would like to recommend is Fertility, Cycles and Nutrition by Marilyn Shannon (available at 1-800-745-8252 or www.ccli.org). SOMETIMES a woman’s nutrient level is rather low after a birth and takes several years to replenish. SOMETIMES a woman just needs certain extra nutrients to conceive because of inherent body differences. (EX: Flax oil can help with hot flashes and sleeplessness of perimenopause and with PMS.) This book offers easy nutrition strategies to help with conception. It also offers excellent advice on getting rid of PMS (or at least making it less of an issue) and several other female concerns.

Whatever the spacing of your kids, it will be perfect for your family, because it is your family and you will enjoy each other, just because!

Susan in New Mexico

Dear Jessica,

Yes, we are out here! I hope my experience will be reassuring to you.

I also had problems with secondary infertility. Just when we had come to terms with having an only child, we were blessed with another little boy. His brother is 6 ½ years older than him, and I have to say that I wouldn't change a thing!

For me, having children so far apart has been wonderful. Because of my older son's age, he fully understood and enjoyed each stage of my pregnancy, talking and singing to his little sibling daily.

As a newborn, our little guy turned his head toward his brother whenever he heard his voice. Big brother is definitely his favorite person - he feeds him, reads to him and plays with him. And I have no worries (as did my friends with closer-aged siblings) about the older one hitting, poking or feeding him choking hazards. It's nice to know I can at least get a quick bathroom break while he keeps an eye on the baby!

Since my older one is in school full time, I relish the one-on-one time at home with the baby. Our days are relaxed, and then the pace picks up as we run big brother to his various activities. It's all just part of the fun for the little one!

Of course there are the normal challenges of having siblings - jealousy, fights, etc.. they happen no matter what the ages of your children! But I still love to watch them work through their rough moments together, seeing all that I missed out on being an only child.

And finally, for those who are concerned that my children won't be close because of their age difference, I say that closeness has more to do with the heart than the years. My own father had a terrific relationship with his little brother - who was 19 years his junior!

Very best of luck to you!!

Larisa in Colorado

Although I was never termed "infertile", it took me 11 months to conceive my second child. While I was trying to get pregnant, it was really hard seeing all the "Mothers with the Double Strollers", as I used to call them, at the library, the mall, and everywhere else! I belonged to a playgroup and all the other moms had just had another baby, and there I was still waiting. Something that helped me at that point was realizing that I WOULD have another child, that I was walking a different path than my friends, but that my path was just as wonderful, just as real, as theirs.

My kids are four years apart and, I assure you, once my second baby arrived, he turned out to be the precisely right baby for our family. The age spread was great-- by the time I was pregnant, my daughter was toilet-trained, could dress herself, and was in nursery school 2-3 mornings each week. I was able to give #2 my best attention without worrying so much about neglecting his sister. My kids seem are as bonded as any I've seen-- they look out for each other and play together, and I think they'll enjoy growing up together.

Good luck on your path!

Catherine in Maryland

I hope this isn't too late to respond - my 2-year-old fell and broke his arm Monday night and had to have emergency surgery. Ah, the challenges of motherhood!!

I wanted to respond to the new problem posted last month about large age spans between kids:

I have two children, a girl Allison aged 11 and an a boy Frank almost 3 years old. I, too, experienced years of infertility, and by the time I got pregnant with my son, I was worried about the age span between my two kids. My experience can be summed up in one word: FANTASTIC!!

I am continuously amazed at how well my two kids play together and enjoy each other. Allison plays on Frank's level and thoroughly enjoys teaching him all sorts of things - letters, numbers, how to play a computer game, things in the natural world, etc. Frank in turn, just adores his sister and tries to emulate her when she plays soccer, basketball, or other activities. Unlike siblings who are closer together in age, my kids have no sibling rivalry. Unlike other kids his age, Frank has never ever had a problem sharing a toy, because his sister plays fairly with him.

From my perspective, the age span has been a godsend. When Frank was younger, there was many a time when I just needed to go into another room for a minute to get something. Those 30-second babysitting jobs that Allison took on made my job infinitely easier. When the three of us travel by airplane to visit my parents, I put Allison in charge of Frank (which he loves) and I deal with everything else (tickets, carry-ons, etc).

The only downside is that Frank tends to get dragged to Allison's activities probably more often than if he had a sibling closer in age, but he doesn't seem to mind because that's always been the case for him. I do try to minimize it by having a teenage come over for an hour while I take Allison where she needs to go.

The only thing I was surprised about when I had Frank was how tough it was on Allison at first. Since she was used to being an only child, it was a bit of an adjustment not having the full attention of both her parents. We talked at length before Frank was born about how important she was to us, warned her about how much care a new baby takes, and encouraged her to share her feelings with us. Being able to express her feelings made a big difference, and I did things like "Allison Day" (the day totally devoted to what Allison wanted to do) when Frank was an infant. By the time Frank was 4 months old (and more fun to play with), this issue had completely passed.

Good luck with your family. I hope your experience is a fabulous as mine has been.

Tracey

This is an answer to the March problem - sorry, I know this is a few days late. I’m guessing this is a question that probably got a lot of responses. Whether or not my letter is considered for publication, I would really appreciate you sending it along to Jessica. Having “been” where she is now, I am sure every word of encouragement will mean a lot to her.

Also, I remembered a very similar problem years back (when I was right in the middle of this same problem as well.) I dug out my old issues and found that it was the “new problem” in the Jan 1994 issue. I was not able to find the issue with the solutions in it, but it would have had to been a few months later. I don’t know if there is any way you could pass this information from an old issue on to Jessica also, but it would probably be useful to her as well. I would actually love to re-read those answers at this point myself. I am also very curious about how things worked out for that mother, now, almost 10 yrs later… Wouldn’t it be neat if she replied to this problem with some encouragement ?!?!

Anyway, here is my reply – a little long, in my usual style – sorry!

Jessica,

It seems so long ago to me now, but I was once in the same position as you, and I remember what a difficult time it was. First of all, hang in there! It can and does work out! My husband and I now have 3 children, a son, age 14, and 2 daughters, ages 7 and 2 ½.

Without a doubt, there are advantages as well as disadvantages to having children farther apart. I guess I will always feel bad that my son doesn’t have a sibling closer in age, even as he grows up. I will be honest, our 1st 2 children, who are 7 years apart, have not done that much together over the years, although that’s not to say they have never played together, talked together, etc. I also think it might have been different if they were the same sex. And as they move toward adulthood, I expect the age difference to matter less. In our family, we consider 4 ½ yrs apart “close in age”. Our 2 daughters play together a lot, and it’s actually kind of nice that the older one is old enough to help keep an eye on the younger one while they play.

Do try to concentrate on the advantages. Early on, I decided that I would not waste my time with the child I had longing for a child I didn’t have. I tried my best to enjoy my time with my son, the time spent alone just the 2 of us, the opportunity to go out for long outings, the fact that he shared all his secrets and thoughts with me since he didn’t have a sibling. I have really enjoyed and been extremely grateful for the one on one time I have had with each of my 3 children, while the older ones were in school, at least for part of the day. This is probably the most obvious advantage of a wider age gap that really does help make up for the disadvantages.

Another unexpected advantage I have found of a larger age gap has been the fun of sharing pregnancy and a new baby with older children, who can really understand and enjoy the experience. I was so glad that my first daughter was old enough at age 4 ½ to actually help a little with the baby care when our 3rd child arrived. She really enjoyed being able to help! And it was a very special experience seeing my “macho” teenage son being so gentle and caring with his baby sister!

Also, with the pressure kids feel to grow up so fast these days, another advantage of having younger children in the family is the opportunity/excuse the older kids get to continue to do some “kiddish” things with the younger siblings. I enjoyed this opportunity myself as a child with a sister who was 7 years younger than me.

The family my husband and I now have is certainly not the family we would have “planned”. It has been a long and sometimes painful road, but it certainly has all been worth it, and at this point, we really can’t even imagine it any other way! Good luck, Jessica, and enjoy the journey!

Barbara in New York

I know I'm not in under the wire, but thought I'd respond anyway.

I planned the birth of my second child to be at least three years from the birth of my first. My daughters are 4 and a half years apart. They love each other. They share a room and spend as much time together as possible. I like that I have been able to devote time with each of them during their very formative first three years. Also, I'm not so much interested in the theory of having babies close in age for their benefit. Because as we all know, if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. They will develop friendships with each other when they need them most - in adulthood. Speaking also as the youngest sister of two much older siblings, it's a good thing. My sixteen-year difference with my oldest sister does not hinder our relationship now. My mother also had three children in three and a half years. For years, she has drummed it into my head that it's better to wait. She was a stressed out woman that did a lot of yelling in those years. I'd rather not be remembered as that mom.

Katie in Florida

I know this is a bit late. Hope it can still help. This is a response to the problem in the March 2003 issue about the age spread in between siblings.

I have two children, ages 2 and 7. I was sad at first at such a spread in ages, but found it is perfect for us. My first child started kindergarten and my second child was born a week later. My second child gets to be the "only" child while the first is in school - perfect when I was nursing and wanted the relaxed time without having to entertain another child. My older child is a good helper with so many things. The children have a good time playing together. The older can teach, read to the younger. Having ownership of outside activities and personal items and their own sets of friends is and will be easier for the two of them. And I think paying for college will be easier with the spread!

Yes, there are difficulties (conflict of time: older one's lessons and activities vs. younger one's afternoon naps, having to keep older one's toys and art supplies and fragile possessions out of the younger one's hands) but to some extent that is true of all ages. There will be more friends to go around! Have fun and enjoy using the lessons you learned with the second!

Beth in Georgia

What a joy to have a child after secondary infertility. My children are six years apart. This is not what I had planned.

There was some mourning the loss of some "ideal" fantasy of family spacing. I had grief over the loss of a pregnancy. I struggled with the decision to have another child after a serious undiagnosed bout of post part depression from my first child. Those issues were tough to come to grips with. I needed time to come to terms with losses and make medication decisions. Mourn the loss of a pregnancy and the loss of my father within a month of each other. I was unhappy with the many factors that lead to my "unusual" situation.

Yet the joy of another child over came all. Another round of PPD with her, well medicated and cared for myself, older wiser and so joyful. I look to my older son amazed at how fast he grew, how all the problems pass on into new problems and grow into others. Their needs blend, it becomes a beautiful dance of family life.

Like all second children the issues are similar: "Will I be able to love another one so much?" I mourned the loss of the exclusivity with the older one. These are all the same issues with the birth of any second child. I think my life is easier with the age spread. I watch my sister-in-law with two in diapers and carrying a toddler through the ten months of pregnancy. Now she has no sleep as the two play tag team with her sleep.

I have a competent sleeping 7 year old with extra helping hands to wipe up those unexpected spills, bring a towel to the bath or a matching outfit for the diaper bag. He can filling sippy cups, clear and wipe the table. He has his own life full of friends and activities.

The biggest daily hassle is the constant picking up of chockable items that any active 7 year old trails behind him. Plastic candy wrappers, legos, paper clips, small cars, rocks etc. And complaints about drool on his toys!

Jealousy and need for attention are not violently acted out, I can leave them alone in a room together and sometimes go to the bathroom alone. Discussion of the need for more attention and jealousy are verbally expressed and can be come quite comical.

With Alex in school, Catherine and I laze about gazing at each other, naps allow for some time to myself. Excitement comes home in the afternoon with all the noise and entertainment of a boisterous and funny brother.

Our first true family vacation is coming up next week. Off to the islands for sun and surf. No trip to Disney land this year or next year either. Maybe the year after that. Neither are ready for Europe yet or any journey that would involve long times at the dinner table, in car seats, or in Museums. Both their needs and ours can be met. I imagine that families with three kids three years apart struggle to include everyone just as we do.

Daily trips in the car are easy, just one car seat for me to take care of. It just seems easier. I have the perspective and experience of six years of mothering. I can see the light at the end of every tunnel and the joy in every moment.

Sometimes it feels like someone is missing in the middle, but mostly it just feels good. I consider Catherine a special gift, somehow despite the challenges of my life she came to us. I could not imagine my life without her. She has brought a joy, curiosity and mischief that makes our family whole.

Jennifer

My daughters are 4 years apart. We too planned on having our children closer together but we lost 3 pregnancies in between our oldest and our baby.

There are a few negatives about having them so far apart. My biggest disappointment is that they probably won’t be friends during their childhood. I also wanted all that infant stuff out of the way, just have them close together and be done with it. It is also hard watching your friends have their second child when you want another baby so badly. But you may get “lapped” as we have. I have friends with children the same age as my oldest and they were pregnant with their third while I was pregnant with my second. Although their children are closer in age than mine we still went through same things together.

On a practical note having them far apart is a pain because 1) the house isn’t baby proofed anymore, 2) You have all sorts of toys with little pieces (i.e. Barbie shoes and marbles) that have to be hidden from your crawler and 3) You are probably used to a full night’s sleep and a little bit of free time, but you will have to give that up.

Conversely, I have found there are many, many joys to having them spaced 4+ years apart. My older daughter now has the capability of entertaining herself, at the age of two she didn’t. This was wonderful on the many days functioning with no sleep. When the baby was asleep I could take a power nap while big sister played with her toys or watched a video.

It is also easier going through parking lots, older children usually know to stay close, and you don’t have to worry about them running into traffic while you are getting the baby out of the car seat. Older children can also be really helpful, at the very least they can fetch diapers and wipes, depending on their age they can actually change the diaper.

I have found that the very best thing about having them 4 years apart is that since my oldest is in preschool 3 mornings a week, I have a lot one on one time with my baby. I can interact with her and attend the mommy and me classes with the baby just like I did with big sister.

She is such a blessing. My oldest will be going to Kindergarten next year and I know their childhoods go by so fast so I am focusing on enjoying the infant/toddler/preschool years as long as possible. I wish you lots of luck!

Megan in Virginia

Dear Jessica,

Having experienced the joy of your first child must make the challenges of having a second even more difficult, but fertility is just one area of our lives where things don't always go as planned. Try to be open to the idea that in the end the family you end up with is the one you were meant to have and that whatever that is, there will be no shortage of fun or wonderful experiences. While your immediate community may consist of families with closely spaced children, if you think about your own families and families you have known growing up, this will surely reveal that families come in all arrangements and they can all work. My own experience has shown me that the age differences create different relationships between the children, but that none are more or less valuable than another. My first children were sixteen minutes apart (twins) and they have the benefit of a built-in playmate (which at nine I don't think they fully appreciate yet), but surely they got less attention than a singleton. My third child is two and a half years younger than his sisters. This was enough space that he got to be the baby, but not so much that he can still be a good playmate. My youngest child is four years younger than his brother and seven years younger than his sisters. The older three only appreciate each other as babies and young children through pictures, but they are watching their baby brother grow up and learning to nurture and care for him, which I believe they will carry into their parenting someday. The older children enjoy playing with the youngest and his toys and being the one he comes to for help or comfort. I could go on about the inter-relationships, but the point is that there is no "perfect" family. Being a family is a gift to be cherished whatever the size or spacing. I wish you peace as you work through your fertility challenges.

Charlotte in Pennsylvania

Dear Jessica,

Like you, I wanted my children closer in age, but due to fertility problems, they are 4 years and 2 months apart. I was concerned, as you are, but, rest assure, having them spaced apart can be a blessing!

My youngest is only 3 weeks old, and my 4 year old, Nick, has amazed us. Throughout my pregnancy we talked and read books about having babies in the house. I would explain to him that there would be times when he and the baby needed me, but the baby wouldn't know how to wait like a big boy. Well, the time came when his little brother came into the world, and Nick, could not be more in love with his baby brother. He is helpful, understanding and patient. He is so proud to be a big brother, and brags to everyone! Sometimes I think he is more proud then I am!

What I think is important, is the love one has for a sibling. Whether they are 18 months apart, or 10 years apart, that love is unique and very special. Your daughter is going to love her sibling like no one else. And the baby is going to give your daughter something special too, the title of "big sister!"

Libbi in Ohio

My husband and I also experienced secondary infertility. Our son was born in September 1996 and we started trying to have another baby in the spring of 1998. We tried for a year and I finally got pregnant in the spring of 1999 and just a few months later suffered a miscarriage. Then we tried for another year and I got pregnant again in February 2000 and our daughter was born in October 2000. So there is a little over 4 years between our son and middle daughter. We have another daughter who I got pregnant with just 3 months after our middle daughter was born. Secondary infertility is a really hard thing to deal with. Our son was so easy to get pregnant with, we only tried for one month. We assumed we wouldn't have any problems the second time, but my body had other plans. Our son, Nathan, and his little sisters, Anna and Amanda, play really well together. They adore their big brother, they try to do everything he does. Nathan is really good with them, too. Sometimes, of course, he likes to do "big kid things". He's in kindergarten and he has a lot of friends, lots of activities going on. But he loves to come home after school and play games and read books with his little sisters. I think it's been really good for Nathan and for the girls to have the age difference. The girls have each other to play with, they are only 11 months apart, but they also have a big brother to look up to and who reads to them and plays games with them. Nathan has two little sisters who he loves a lot and is very protective of. It has all worked out great for us and I think it will for you too. Good luck.

Deb in Iowa

I am responding to the problem listed in the April edition. I read your magazine faithfully and am happy there is finally a situation I can offer some support around. Thanks for providing such a thoughtful, supportive, and uplifting publication.

Dear Jessica,

I empathize with the challenges you are facing. I, too, struggled with infertility and am now the proud mother of a five and a one year old. Both of our children were adopted from Korea. Our second adoption took longer than we anticipated and our children are four years apart.

Although it might not be the "norm", our family has experienced many advantages of having children spaced more than two years apart. The first and maybe most important is, that your daughter will have benefited from your undivided love and attention. She will be secure in herself, in her place in the world and in your family.

Second, she will be out of diapers and sleeping through the night, which is no small matter. Third, she will be old enough for preschool and begin to make friends on her own. This is a big advantage! She can have play dates with her special friends and free you up to have alone time with the baby. Fourth, she will be old enough to express her wide range of emotions when her sibling comes along. And thus, although she may regress some when the new baby comes, she will be more aware and able to talk things through with you. Fifth, on a good day, she will be a great "help" to you in taking care of the baby.

While every day at our house is not "sweetness and light", I feel overall that having our kids further apart has made me a much better parent, especially with my youngest. I have learned a lot over the last four years and my son is a direct beneficiary.

A group that you might want to check out is Resolve. They offer support and education around infertility. They are on the internet at www.resolve.org. We found them very helpful in our process of becoming a family.

I know that right now it seems like another "choice" that you didn't get - to have your children closer in age. But someone once wisely said to us, when we were struggling with infertility, "It's not about making the "right" choice; it's about making the choice you do have right for you."

I wish you all the best,

Maria in Rhode Island

We are the parents of a ten year old boy and two girls - one three years old and the other twenty months old. In between the boy and first girl, I had an ectopic pregnancy as well as a miscarriage. Also, my husband was in the Navy and was away for six month stretches, so our child bearing didn't go as we had hoped. However, what we have now is a true blessing. Our son is usually quite helpful when asked to help with the girls - he draws the line at diapering the little one. With our son in school, I can give undivided attention to the girls and do things that are appropriate for their age level. Then when our son has soccer practice or scouts, the girls tag along. It's fun for them to be with their big brother who they look up to. Sometimes our son feels left out because we have to focus so much on the little ones, but to compensate for that, my husband and I take turns spending one-on-one time with him by taking him to a movie or running errands so we can have time to talk and hear what's going on at school and with friends. Despite things not going as planned, we have the family we've always wanted and have made it work for us.

Leonora in Pennsylvania

We have triplets and a singleton. The triplets and our littlest daughter are just shy of five years apart. I was worried that there would be an issue that the triplets were such a unit that another child would not be included in their group. It took us almost eighteen months to conceive our last child and we were worried about the age difference, we had also made up our mind that if we didn't have another child it would be okay. The good news is our daughters are just all so very wonderful. They have all become very close. Our little one is now almost three and thinks she is seven (almost eight). The older girls all adore their baby sister. The other children in our neighborhood also all play together well, whether the children are 11,8, 5, 3 or 2 years of age. We do try to make sure that the older girls get some playtime with just their friends and our little one has some playmates just her age. But many times all of the children play together, they were dressing her up for dance time in little tutus when she was barely nine months old. My message is if you really want another child the age difference will most likely work itself out and may turn out better than you think. All children are different so I can't guarantee it, but we really work to foster good relations and plenty of just family time so that the children have become each others best friends and playmates. Another plus of the age difference is that when you have an older child they can help you with the little one. A five year old can bring a diaper, or blanket or answer the telephone (with a little training) and as they have gotten older they enjoy helping my daughter get dressed and reading to her while Mommy has to do a few quick chores, etc. It was a little hard to go back to the infant stage after having the independence of a older child but it was a blessing to have a baby again.

Name Withheld

I am sorry that you and your husband are experiencing secondary infertility. That is a lot for you to deal with without the additional concern of how this is going to affect your daughter and your future child.

My children are 4 ½ years apart. This was not the age difference that I had imagined or wanted but that is the age difference we got. There are pluses and minuses to every age difference but the main positive turned out to be the fact that my son (my older child) was old enough to better understand that his sometimes he would have to wait so I could tend to the baby. I found my son to be much more helpful with the baby than I expected him to be. In some ways I feel like he had his "turn" at being a baby so it was fairly easy for him to let someone else be the baby. That is not to say that he was always able to handle having a new baby in the family, but he did rather well.

As my children have gotten older I have encouraged them to play with each other and to work out their differences on their own (being available to help out when they are not able to do so). I think that a large age difference seems to be a reason for children not to interact so I try to involve them both in activities so that they will develop a relationship with each other.

I wish you the best of luck with your next baby and I am sure that whatever age difference there is between your children your family will do well.

Beth in Colorado

My husband and I did not end up with the family we originally envisioned. He and his older brother were born only 18 months apart and have always had a close relationship. When we married, we thought we'd like to have the same age spread for our children. What ended up happening was a true blessing. After a year and a half of primary infertility issues our son was born and then after three years of secondary infertility issues our daughter was born. That makes our children slightly more than four and a half years apart in age.

Although most of our adult friends have much closer spacing with their children there are certainly many families, especially those where a second marriage is concerned, that have children with larger age gaps. I wouldn't be too concerned about that aspect.

I never had the problem many parents of close-in-age siblings do of trying to give each child enough attention. My son was in full day Kindergarten by the time my daughter was one. I could give her all of my attention while he was there and then focus more on him after school. Also, when she was first born it was much easier to expain to (bribe? negotiate with?) a four and a half year old why Mommy needed to do something with the baby and he would have to wait. He was always more able to help with the baby and feel important in that way.

As the Rolling Stones sang, "you don't always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need," and I wouldn't change our family for anything. Good luck to you and your husband. I'm sure you'll create a wonderful family too.

Julie in Massachusetts

Hello:

I am not a parent of children with a 5+ year difference, but, I grew up in a family with age differences of 5 years between my sister and I, and then 11 and 12 years between my brother and youngest sister and I, respectively.

There is no such thing as the 'perfect' family or the 'perfect' way to plan the age differences between children. Life is not perfect, we must take it as it comes and do the best we can with what we are given.

I think the key is for the parents to include the older child in the care and play of the new baby. I think the older child will feel more included. She is the older sister, and that brings a new status to her as well.

I have friends who asked their older child to recommend names for the new baby. Others include the older child in helping to prepare the home for the new baby.

The older child should be included in the new baby's life: feeding or diapering or holding. The older child can see what she was like when she was a baby. She will be old enough to enjoy the new baby. Plus, you won't have two in diapers at the same time!

Also, if your daughter is 5 or 6 when your second baby is born, that will be a help to you - she will be in school most of the day, so there will be only the new baby to care for during the day.

As I was growing up, my relationship with my siblings was more of my being the older sister, partly responsible for their care whenever my parents weren't around. However, now we are all grown, and the age differences seem irrelevant. We are peers to each other.

As we grow older, age differences seem to become less noticeable. We all share similar experiences as adults. I am 42 and own a house. My youngest sister (the baby) is 30, and owns a house. That is just one example of our shared experiences.

I say don't worry about it, try to enjoy the time you are given with your one child, and if a second one is born, also try to enjoy that time together as a family. Good luck.

Jennifer in Wisconsin

Dear Jessica:

We had the same secondary infertility. Our children are 5 years 4 months apart and the spacing could not have been more of a blessing. We planned on a three year difference. My older son was such a help with his baby sister and I believe the age difference is making them closer. Not much competition, but a lot of adoration going both ways. Having two babies close together would have been very difficult for me, being in my forties. Arthur is now a huge help with his 2 1/2 year old sister!

However these two blessings came, they are a joy and I am thankful daily for them and cannot imagine it any other way.

Lots of luck and don't fear the age difference. It is wonderful.

Sincerely,

Julia in Texas

Dear Jessica:

I have four children - three boys currently 22, 20, 18 and a daughter who is almost 13. As you can see, I have a little bit of experience with both. I had infertility problems in the years before I had children and became pregnant while we were still trying to remedy the many medical situations that they were trying to correct. When I finally became pregnant, we weren't sure if it was a one-time fluke or whether all problems were now solved. We decided to try to have the next baby as soon as we could even though in our area most people were spacing their children 3 - 4 years apart. I was breastfeeding in the manner described in "Breastfeeding and Natural Child Spacing", by Sheila Kippley and because I did not have any further infertility problems, the boys were born approximately two years apart.

I thought that because they were close in age, it might be difficult to manage physically when they were small - and it was more difficult than I could have imagined. I also thought that it would be great in that we were already in preschool stage. We had the house childproof, plenty of kid "stuff". We knew all the playgroup and library activity. I thought they would become great friends and have many interests, activities and friends in common.

However, in my family this was not true. The boys had extremely different personalities, likes and strengths. My dream of them playing and enjoying each other in childhood never really happened as little boys. It is only now as young men that they have more in common and a tolerance for their siblings gifts and uniqueness (at least most of the time).

A few weeks before my youngest son went to kindergarten, my daughter was born. Her big brothers were 9, 7 and 5 and they were all in school all day. In those hours, it was like she was a first baby again. I had her all to myself. I was experiencing and savoring the sweetness of having an infant again. And now not only did I have my husband to share it with, but three adoring big brothers. I sometimes wished I had this special time with my middle two children. I sometimes thought that this was the best way to have children, spaced 5 years apart.

And although I had her all to myself for the school hours, she was exposed to all kinds of after school and weekend sports and activities that the boys were involved in. Sometimes it was difficult to manage the balancing of the ages, but most times it was easier than trying to balance the three boys at the same time.

We learned anew all the children's books that had been written since the boys outgrew them and we found lots of new playgroups and friends for her. We experienced preschool and kindergarten again.

Despite the nine year difference in their ages, my oldest son and my daughter are extremely close. I think it is because that despite the age difference, their interests and personalities are the best match. They both share a love of sports and are extremely active and intense people. And my middle two boys also share similar traits of being quiet and mechanically inclined and are often found working on a project together.

Yes, my daughter has been exposed to many things that children her age who do not have older siblings have not. Sometimes it is a plus and other times it is a minus.

And that is my message to you. There are pluses and minus to each way of spacing a family. There is no right way or wrong way to have a family. Focus on the pluses and enjoy whatever comes your way. Best of luck to you and your family.

Roseann in New York

We have three daughters, ages eighteen, twelve and eight. A bonus for the older girls, in my opinion, has been the extension of their childhoods. This is no small blessing in a world where kids are expected to grow up too soon.

The age difference has made it both harder and easier to volunteer at the girls’ schools. When they were younger, I had one in a stroller when it was my turn for playground duty. Now that they’re older and all three in different schools, it’s harder to keep track of schedules.

We’ve had to put up with our share of thoughtless remarks. After the birth of our second daughter, many people asked us if we were disappointed because she wasn’t a boy. (We weren’t.) After our third, someone remarked that at my age, this must have been a surprise. (I was 39, and no it wasn’t.)

Overall, raising three girls who are far apart in age has been a real joy. Our oldest daughter will be leaving for college in the fall. Our sadness at watching her go will be softened somewhat by the fact that we’ll still have two at home to keep us busy. When our middle daughter leaves for college in five years, we’ll still have daughter number three—and she’ll get the benefit of our undivided attention for another five years before leaving us empty nesters.

Liz in Ohio

Messages from Jessica in Washington, D.C.:

Dated 6/9/03:

This is just a note to thank you so much for printing the many responses to my inquiry about secondary infertility (and for being so kind as to print more next month!). Welcome Home has really been a huge part of my support during this difficult time, I so appreciate your publication!

Jessica

Dated 6/11/03:

These replies were just the greatest gift to me and my husband. I collected all the responses in one file so he and I could read them anytime. I am overwhelmed by the generosity, caring, and good sense of my fellow Welcome Home readers. I even printed out a "booklet" of my favorite responses to carry with me on these endless doctor's appointments. Please post this thanks to all of the responders on the website!

Love,

Jessica