How do you cope with feelings of isolation?

From the Problems and Solutions column of Welcome Home.

Two years ago we moved from a close-knit city neighborhood to a sprawling suburban setting. Our children were six, three, and ten weeks. The sense of isolation was at first intense, but here is how I have survived:

• I found one other mother at home with a baby and invited her for coffee one morning. We have since grown to a play group (support group) of seven mothers and seven two-year-olds.

• I take one recreational no-credit class each quarter at the area community college. Sometimes it's writing, painting, or tennis.

• I take walks in my neighborhood with and without the baby in the stroller, stopping to introduce  myself to neighbors.

• Often I invite another mother and child over for a simple lunch after nursery school, or for a visit after naptime.

• I make dates with one other mother and child to go picnicking or sightseeing in the city.

• During Lent, my husband and I ask four other couples from our church to join us in reading and discussing a book on Friday nights for five weeks.

• My husband and I leave the children with a trusted baby-sitter occasionally and go out on a date.

• My two-year-old and I go to story time at the library where we've made some friends.

• I help out for thirty minutes once a week in a Junior Great Books Discussion Group at my older children's school.

Finally, after all this socializing, I acknowledge that a certain amount of feeling isolated is part of being human, and I hope that I may use this experience to empathize with others. Besides, it's not bad to have a day to stop hurrying and to stay home, put on some music and get the wash folded.

--Julie H., Chester, Virginia

Having worked up until my daughter's birth, I experienced isolation early on as a new mom. It didn't take me long to realize that I'd have to expend a lot of time and energy to overcome my loneliness.

Due to our limited budget. I began tutoring a few hours each week so that I'd have the necessary funds to pay for an exercise class, support group, an occasional sitter, and gasoline to drive twice each week to my home town where most of my  friends lived. I also reacquainted myself with some old  hobbies, realizing that some of my frustrations at home were due not to isolation but rather to lack of stimulation. Once I began sewing, cross-stitching, and reading during my daughter's naptime, I found I welcomed some quiet hours alone to accomplish projects and enrich my personal life.

--Beth A., Newark, California

To find the support you need, look around your neighborhood for other mothers, and then call on them or invite them over for coffee. The park or neighborhood pool is a good place to meet other mothers with small children. You can make the suggestion to meet there once a week, or to all meet for a picnic lunch.

Other ways I kept from feeling isolated were:  volunteering at my daughter's school, taking stretch and sewing lessons, becoming a Camp Fire and Girl Scout leader, joining a bowling league, taking an exercise  class, and taking a few college courses. (I was surprised at the number of "older" women like myself on campus.) Over the years, these activities not only kept me from feeling isolated, but they also provided many opportunities to make lasting friendships.

--Jeanette H., Hazelwood, Missouri

It helps to have a very supportive husband. I don't feel so alone in my decision to stay home with the children because my husband is backing me up 100 percent.

Since I never grew up within a wide social circle, I don't miss it as much as one accustomed to many friends. Nevertheless, I do experience periods of loneliness, especially in winter when I am more housebound. My solution is to get out of the house at least once a day, even if it's no farther than the backyard. Except on the most extreme cold days, I bundle up the children for five to ten minutes of fresh air every day in winter. No matter that it takes longer to bundle them up than the length of time we are outside!

Having many projects keeps me busy and leaves little time to think about loneliness. I like to do sewing, writing, baking, and gardening in the summer.

Of course, I spend time playing with the children. Dancing and singing to records is a great "blues" chaser, as is doing crafts and artwork. Here my teaching background is put to good use as I come up with new and creative ideas. I take my daughter to story hour once a week. During that time, my son and I visit another mother at home.

It is important to accept fully your decision to be at home rather than to continually wish for the companionship of the work world.  Remember your time at home with your children won't last forever. It helps me to think of the "knotted rope" concept, one I learned from my support group. A rope is tied with eight knots, each knot representing ten years of one's life. Childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood comprise the first twenty years or so. If I spend the next ten to twenty years raising my children, I still have half of my life left for doing whatever I wish.

--Carol V., Clarkson, Nebraska

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