In our February 1989 issue, we published a letter from Luann J., Johnson City, Tennessee.  Luann's family income is under $21,000 a year; she has an eighteen-month-old daughter. She wrote, "I am interested in hearing how stay-at-home moms manage to continue to make ends meet to enable them to remain at home in today's economy.  How do they continue to serve Hamburger Helper while the neighbors have pot roast?  How do they continue to not feel discouraged or to make their husbands feel inadequate as the family provider?  How do they explain to their children why they can't have the latest new toy or clothing fad like their friends have? We try to close our eyes and ears to the media-hype portraying a lifestyle that two college-degreed wage earners 'ought' to have, but it is becoming more difficult. I would love to know how other 'low income' mothers feel."

Two attitudes I increasingly have come to see as poisonous to our family's happiness are resentment and deserving.  Whenever I feel I DESERVE something,  be it a house, a new dress, or cooperative children, I am destined to disappointment.  If I don't get it, I become resentful; and if I do, my delight is chopped in half, because it is no longer a gift from God. I  have cultivated little ways of appreciating what I do have -- writing in a journal each day's warm, funny, or peaceful moments; putting up lovely pictures I like (mostly  from calendars) helps my morale as much as new furniture might; going to parks,  friends' houses and libraries when I feel claustrophobic; not having a TV so we are blissfully unaware of all the toys, etc. we don't have. Sometimes when the world is caving in with tantrums, spills, and whining, my three-year-old exclaims "Me happy" to remind me that not all is lost. 

It was enlightening this past Christmas to have been given a $100 gift certificate to a toy store by my husband's employer.  I had already spent most of December making what I call "relationship building" gifts. Each child had made gifts for family and friends. I had filled a large box with creative junk for my sun the inventor. It  was fun to go shopping with my husband a few days before Christmas and pick out the shiny, battery-consuming, breakable, exciting toys we had never before had under our tree. Granted, the remote control car made the most splash on Christmas morning, and I got some polite smiles for the box of junk. But six weeks later there is no contest. I doubt anyone knows where the remote control car is. Yet hardly a day goes by without someone going in or out of the invention box. 

When I reflect on the gifts I would like most to give to my children, and of the most precious gifts my parents gave me, they are all treasures that thieves cannot break through and steal. 

-- Lori O., Albuquerque, New Mexico

We lived on an income less than $21,000 for the first years of our son's life. Our circumstances have changed now, but I'm glad I stayed home during those scrimping years. You NEVER get those years back -- not for love or money. 

There are books that deal with the economic side of this issue that help: Staying Home Instead and The Heart Has Its Own Reasons. If you BELIEVE, truly believe, that your time at home is important, then the scrimping won't bother you as much.  Read When Your Chid Needs You by Elenor Weisburger, Children At Risk, and The Day Care Decision.

As for explaining why you don't have "things" for your kids: when mine asked why so-and-so had a computer (etc.), I say, "because they are in daycare full time." Both of my children have experienced full-time daycare when I had to have medical treatment.  My son never forgets his time spent as a three-year-old. He says, "My mouth was too small and I didn't know the words yet to let you know how horrible it was."

When my children consider full time daycare, they don't ask for the "things" their peers take for granted. 

 Hang in there!

 --Betsy C.,  Aurora, Colorado

Our children's friends love our plain but cozy home. They think it is "neat" that Lora sleeps in a sleeping bag and that we play games A LOT. These friends keep our phone busy with requests to come visit -- and they go for walks, eat popcorn, and seem thrilled with our home. This, coupled with the smiles and successes in my children's lives, helps me realize that all those times I stewed and fretted over our lack of money was MY problem, not theirs. 

 To bolster my husband when he feels despondent that we don't have new furniture, can't go to Florida on vacation, or don't have a new boat like the neighbors -- I just hug him and say thanks for all we do have. The fact that I am happy and content seems to help him the most.

--Thalia H.,  Hawkins, Texas

 I offer two suggestions: 1) Every payday stash $5 -- or whatever you are comfortable with -- for pleasure. Treat it as seriously as your electric bill. When an amount has accumulated, blow it! Go out to dinner, to a movie, or whatever you enjoy. Be faithful to it and to yourself. 

2) Look at your attitude. When you find yourself sinking into "poverty consciousness" remember what you do have: a good man, beautiful children, friends, a warm house… Maybe that sounds corny, but when I get the money blues, it reminds me what I am "sacrificing" for.

--Carol N., Wheaton, Maryland

For four years my husband and I and two kids lived in a small one-bedroom apartment. We ate lots of lentil soup and rice and beans. We counted every penny. 

Now our housing situation is better, but we still must scrimp. I make sure to enjoy every single day and to remind myself and my husband what an absolute luxury it is to be a mother at home. With that attitude shining through, many friends and neighbors who dress beautifully and go to work envy me. Who but one who leads a life of luxury can take weekday trips to a museum or public library, and go for walks in the park on gorgeous days? Or go to the bank or post office during off-hours when there are no lines?

Also, cooking with fresh ingredients is infinitely more luxurious and cheaper than using prepared foods. My friends without as much time to shop and cook are always impressed with my fresh fruit salads, stews, and vegetable dishes. 

What could make a hard-working husband feel more appreciated than to come home every day to a warm welcome and a hot meal waiting for him? 

 Take a fresh look at what a "quality standard of living" really is, and how it can best be achieved for a family with a homemaker there.

--Lise V., New York, New York

1. "In the year 2000...., not too many years from now, it won't matter what my bank balance was today, the kind of car I drove, or what sort of house I lived in. But the world could be better because I was important in the life of a child." (author unknown)

2. As hard as it is, try not to get into the trap of comparing yourself with the Joneses. Even though their situation may appear to you to be better than yours, everyone has problems. We usually wouldn't trade ours for others if we knew what theirs were.

3. Don't give up. We all get discouraged at times. The time spent now with your child is priceless -- no material possessions will ever compensate for it.

--Diana B., Portland, Oregon

When our first child was born four and a half years ago, my husband made less than $18,000 a year. Since then our most important tool has been our budget. Using bills from the previous year, we determine a monthly average for each one and then budget accordingly. When a bill comes due that is less than we have budgeted, the surplus is saved for the next time. The same thing is done for quarterly, semi-annual, and annual bills. This system doesn't leave much spending money, but it eliminates seasonal fluctuations. 

You can do some reading on nutrition. You may be surprised to find how little protein we really do need in our diets. I've found that eliminating a lot of meat from our diet is not only more economical but healthier. 

One little trick that worked for us was to find a way to treat ourselves by compromising somewhere else in our budget. Those occasional splurges did much to lift our morale. 

Finally, we have found that attitude is the most important thing. We realize we are sometimes making painful sacrifices, but the one thing we have never compromised on is our time and our love for our children. 

--Kathy B., Helena, Montana 

My family does a lot of camping in the summer. We started out in an old 1967 van and have progressed to a small tent. We have gotten our gear as presents to each other (birthdays and anniversaries) and have asked relatives for Christmas presents for camping. 

It costs about $10 a night and we cook the same food our grocery money bought. It seems to taste different. It gives us a chance to get away from the house, television, telephone, and bills. Everyone in a campground is friendly and out to have the same relaxing time. We put aside a few dollars all winter for a few of those escape weekends in the summer. 

Remember, if you are like some of us, the summers are awfully long and hot if you don't have air conditioning, and most campgrounds have a pool or swimming area to cool off in. 

--Marcy L., Columbus, Ohio

 I'd like to applaud you for what you are doing. You are brave and certainly have your priorities in the right place. Your child is lucky. 

My husband happens to make what we think is a huge salary and, even with three kids, we feel very rich. Sometimes I think if I read about one more spoiled yuppie couple complaining about how they can't make it on more than we have, I'll throw up. 

You might try checking Jane Brody's Good Food Book out of the library. She has some good hints and some excellent recipes. Having Hamburger Helper every night would drive me up a tree, and it is full of sodium. Some split pea or barley soup with homemade wheat bread is cheaper, healthier, and tastes great. Perhaps your library or church could start a coupon exchange: you bring in the ones you don't need and take out an equal number from the box that you can use. Garage sales help a lot. Since you sew, perhaps you could make doll clothes out of scraps to sell for pin money. 

Good luck to you! 

--Kathy,  Michigan 

I know what you are going through. I am in the same financial situation: our income was $20,000 last year. We have three children: Rebekah, four; Jonathan, two; and Benjamin, six months. I get picked up to go places, like the doctor or shopping, and my friend will say, "Let's stop for lunch." And I say, "No, I'm broke." With the help of [Welcome Home] and other books, I have organized myself and my family so that I have made extra time to save money and to make money. 

Here are some ways I've saved money:

Shop for winter coats at the Salvation Army and sew new linings or adjust the fit. 

Make all my own bread (it costs twenty-five cents a loaf). 

Use cloth diapers and cloth wipes.

Turn down the heat and open the draperies on sunny days. 

Schedule bulk buying once a month or less for such items as flour, honey, peanut butter, coffee products, paper goods. 

Keep the cars running: a 1970 van and a 1982 LTD. 

Be a garbage picker. Dave made a beautiful toy box out of wood he found. 

Make all greeting cards and Christmas cards and gifts.

Cut up our credit cards.

Accept charity. People feel great when they can give me their hand-me-downs. My new neighbor noticed me pregnant and gave me three bags of baby clothes, including a beautiful Christmas outfit. I always find creative ways to "pay" them back. 

Ways we've made extra money: 

• Dave takes a second job (I hate this one).
• Dave takes side jobs. 
• I babysit (I hate it but it pays those doctors' bills).
• I give piano lessons. 
• I play the organ for church and weddings and Dave sings. 
• I sew and do alterations. 
• We janitor, taking the kids along. We do this as a family. 
• We check into government agencies and programs such as the WIC program (for women, infants, and children). 

Future ways we will save money:

• Build our own house.
• Home school. 
• Use solar energy.
• Never rent anything. 
• Start my own home small business. 
• Tutor. 

I hope this helps. Take my advice: turn off the television and stop comparing yourself to the world and your "rich" friends. You are much healthier for not eating out. Going for an all-day hike is just as good mentally as a trip. Homemade clothes are the best, and are fit to the individual and last twice as long. There's hope for the world if more people like you have their priorities straight. 

--Rachel M., Pataskala, Ohio 

I was raised in a large family and my mother did not work outside the home until I was in high school, and then only part-time. Now that I am married with two children, I find the things I learned then invaluable. There are many things that when "done without" are rarely missed. 

It is important to view cost-cutting as a challenge and to remember the benefits. You are able to stay home. You have an opportunity to teach self-control (no one ever gets everything they want). If your children are young, they probably do not notice they are lacking anything; if they are older, they appreciate the reason why. If you have teenagers, they may desire to earn their own money -- an excellent way to experience responsibility and personal money management. 

On the practical side, clip coupons, plan meals using grocery ads, use refunds, go to "bag your own" stores and farmers' markets. Learn to can and freeze, buy what you are able in bulk, and be aware that convenience foods are rarely cheaper. Shop at consignment shops, watch sales, and learn clearance times. February and July are great times to buy; adjust your budget so you can buy then. Make your own Christmas gifts; they take on special meaning. Trade off baby- sitting so you can get out alone. 

John Stossels' Shopping Smart is helpful. Cut Your Grocery Bills in Half by Barbara Salsbury with Cheri Loveless is excellent. The public library usually has many helpful books as well. The County Public Extension Service has much to offer from how-to's on canning and freezing to seasonal buying calendars. 

Cutting costs can be terrible drudgery. It's important to splurge once in a while even if only in a small way. It can be great family fun, too. (Spending the day "picking your own" in an orchard is something none of us will ever forget.) A smaller budget is an opportunity to be creative. 

--Susan A., Omaha, Nebraska

I intended to return to work following the birth of my son three years ago, but when I didn't we effectively reduced our family income by half. The first two years required major adjustments to life on a reduced income. It was difficult, but we managed and are now much better people because of it. 

We appreciate the simple things now. Holding hands in the corner booth of McDonald's is as romantic as a $60 dinner at an exclusive restaurant simply because we are together. 

I sew my own clothes, too, as well as for my son and occasionally for my husband, and I love it. I never used to, but out of necessity I've become so skillful that sewing has become my hobby, and I've even had people pay for my work. That's a gratifying boost to my ego. 

I've also become adept at vegetarian cooking and creating new ideas for poultry and fish (and I've lost twenty pounds!). You can visit the library, borrow interesting cookbooks, and learn. Tell any snobby friends that you've become pseudo-vegetarians since red meat isn't so healthy and they'll soon be begging for your recipes. 

Children are so imaginative and creative that complicated and expensive toys aren't really necessary. Most child experts recommend multi-use toys such as old clothes, boxes, paper, crayons, etc., over single-use toys over-advertised by toy companies. Besides, with Mommy as her playmate, your daughter will be the envy of every child on the block. 

Finally, don't let your husband feel discouraged or inadequate. Tell him often that he's given you the very best thing that money cannot buy -- the opportunity to raise your child yourselves, to know first-hand that she's healthy and safe, and to build a beautiful set of unforgettable memories together. Last, compare the hectic, strained lifestyles of many two-income families, and you'll soon realize as I did, in spite of any financial difficulties, how very rich and fortunate you really are. Good luck! 

--Janet R., Reisterstown, Maryland 

Luann, I am not in your situation, but I was before the birth of my daughter. What I found really helped my mental outlook on things was to include in our weekly budget money for entertainment. This may have been $3, but for $3 we could go to a fast-food restaurant and eat two hamburgers, drink water, and share fries. Or for $3 we could have ice cream while we walked around a mail. I never felt that bad that we did not have money to spend because I always felt we had "entertainment" money. Of course, our budget was our mainstay. We always had a budget. 

The other help I want to offer to you is a book called The Heart Has Its Own Reasons by Mary Ann Cahill. It is a practical, step-by-step book and tells how to save money and how other families have managed on smaller incomes. It is available from your library or you can call your local La Leche League and see if they have it in their lending library. I can't recommend it enough. 

--Barbara R., Orlando, Florida 

I had to laugh and cry when I read your letter in WH as Problem of the Month. Problem of my Life is more like it. 

I am a college-degreed mother at home with three children, ages two, four, and six. The ultimate challenge is to make ends meet; my husband has been in school forever and changed career paths midstream, but we have made it with our sanity intact. 

The first step is realizing that no matter how little it is, we do have money to spend and we have control over how we spend it. The key word is budget. The secret for me was to accept that it was okay to spend within a budget category and not to be- grudge every penny that went out of my purse. After a while it was a freedom to go shopping because I knew that the money (however little) was budgeted and not going to be a shocking surprise. 

As I grew more accustomed to the amounts available in our budget, I was able to enjoy grocery shopping, for instance, because if I saw a terrific buy on something, I was free to stock up when it was cheap and to delete that amount from the next week. Concurrently, it became a game to come in "under budget," thus freeing up money for other uses. Using coupons is a real budget stretcher and I write in my checkbook the total amount I save by using them, giving me a psychological boost when I add up the amounts at the end of the month. 

I also changed my attitude toward shopping, calling it the "thrill of the hunt" rather than "scrimping." I take positive joy in landing a good deal. 

What comes across to me in your letter is that even though you are doing everything you can and you know you made the right decision, you still feel poor. For me, it came down to attitude and to actually renaming things. 

All the kids in the neighborhood are jealous because we have "Leftover Fiesta Night" and all they have are leftovers. When we still lived in Michigan, the snow might be blowing like crazy, but the kids and I could have our peanut butter and honey sandwiches "on the veranda" -- our tired old couch and living room floor spread with an old flowered sheet. My husband and I really look forward to our breakfasts "on the patio" -- balanced on our bed on cookie sheets. More than once I have packed up spaghetti and French bread and had a picnic dinner for my family at the park. To me the change of name or scenery is important, not spending of money at a restaurant. 

Good luck! 

--Sigrid S., Reading, California 

I am at home with five school-aged children, all with crooked teeth, in one of the highest cost-of-living areas in the nation. I try to make a game out of "beating the system," but some days it's a real drag. You just have to hang in there. 

Your letter hints at a very understandable lack of confidence about your ability to cope with the social pressures. But if you worry that your daughter is being "deprived," she will surely pick up on that attitude. 

I've found that the slick women's magazines leave me feeling dissatisfied and discouraged. But these magazines make their money in advertising, so it's no wonder their message is "Stash the kids in daycare and go get everything you want." If you read something often enough, you start to believe it. I focus on magazines like WH and books that give me moral support: A Lantern In Her Hand by Bess Streeter Aldrich, The Family Nobody Wanted by Helen Doss, the Little House on the Prairie series by Laura Ingalls Wilder have magnificent examples of mothers coping with economic hardships.

Some real-life role models help, too. My best friend is raising four children on less than $20,000 a year -- and they give ten percent of that to their church!  Her kids are great. All of them are now decent. compassionate adults with sensible outlooks on material possessions -- and they all love their parents.

 A steady diet of pot roast is a prescription for heart disease, and continually satisfying material wants will impoverish the spirit. So stop apologizing for the Hamburger Helper (still cheaper and more nutritious when prepared with plain rice or macaroni and your own home-canned tomatoes) -- and you are giving your child the best of everything.

--Sara S., Manassas Virginia

I found a wonderful solution to leaving a full-time job outside of the home. I started a family daycare business in my home. When my son was born three years ago, I got licensed and opened my doors. I earn $1,800 per month for six kids. I have a part-time assistant and my business is very professional. 

Depending on your area, you could earn more or less. You can supplement your husband's income and stay home full-time. I also teach classes and publish a tape and handbook on "How to start and prepare a family daycare business. 

--G. A.,  Fresno, California 

There is no reason why being at home precludes generating some income. 

I have been home since 1983 and presently generate upwards of $1,300 monthly doing child care. My children have two choices: either we do daycare or we go to daycare. They generally are amenable to this and enjoy the company of other children. 

Since we live near Washington, D.C., and a relatively short commute is a priority for my husband, we live in "high price" Fairfax County.  Our small cottage has a mortgage of more than $900 a month.  Moving out or down is not an option since rental rates on small apartments run about the same.  We cut comers everywhere we can, but sitting home and eating beans doesn't appeal to me or my family. I used to think that once the kids were out of diapers, I would have extra money, but now they need shoes, trips to the dentist, Boy Scouts, dancing lessons, preschool tuition, etc. These are things we want for our children. I drive a fourteen-year-old car, wear old clothes, and freeload on relatives for vacations. 

Daycare is only one method to earn income at home. There are dozens of cottage industries and sales products that can be managed from home. Books on the subject are available at the library. 

Part-time or flex time work are worth considering, too, if convenient and available. I know a mother of school-aged children who works regularly from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m., goes home for the 3 p.m. to 6 p.m. after-school time, and then sometimes returns to finish up later in the evening. You do what you have to do. 

Money isn't everything for sure, but with some creative financing, you can get by. Grandparents have been wonderful in providing the "big ticket" toys, as well as giving money for special events. If you have life insurance, you may be eligible to borrow against it. Did you leave behind benefits from your old job you can cash out, such as a pension fund? If your income is very low, you might check with social services about what benefits you may receive. 

My grandmother was a stay-at-home mom, but in a pinch she could send a hog to market or sell a handmade patchwork quilt. It is not a new idea for a homemaker to generate income.

 Good luck!

--Mary Ellen C., Annandale, Virginia

Three years ago we were struggling to pay our heating bill, even though the thermostat was turned off at night and kept low during the day. The struggle was putting an added strain on my husband. That's when I decided to look for a part-time job. I loved being at home with my son, who was then     eighteen months old, and did not want to leave him in daycare, so I was adamant about working only a few hours in the evening when my husband was home. We live in a small town so it wasn't going to be easy, but my perseverance paid off.

I was able to find work at a local doctor's office, a family practice that offers evening  hours to patients. I work three-and-a-half hours in the evening, from 4:30 to 8 p.m., four days a week. Not only has my working helped us financially, it has strengthened the bond between my husband and son. I am home in plenty of time for bedtime stories and goodnight hugs, and lunch has become our "family" meal.

We still do not have a lot of luxuries such as a VCR or dishwasher. We juggle our one car between us and eat out only occasionally. We still clip coupons and budget carefully. But now we have enough to make ends meet  without added strain on my husband. I am still at home during the day with my son, now four, and am very content with our lifestyle.

 --Kathleen P.,  Oak Harbor, Washington

We have an annual income somewhat higher than your $21,000 figure, but not by much. We, too, eat Hamburger Helper. We have a twelve-year-old car that we fix up. We don't eat out either, unless family members are visiting and they pay for it. 

Nevertheless, I am glad I'm home with my son. He is a curious two year old, and he is fun to be around. I am now pregnant with number two. I have been babysitting for a child the same age as my son two days a week, and that income helps. Also, I am doing part-time telephone work in my home, which is my spending money for things we really need.

 --Debbie J.,  Port Charlotte, Florida

After reading Luann's letter, I had to respond. We are in similar circumstances. My husband and I have been married for fourteen years. After seven years we decided I would quit my well-paying job as a medical secretary and stay home to care for our son full-time. I am a college graduate and have never regretted my decision. 

It is hard to get by, but we manage. Living in Wisconsin, our heating bills can be quite high. When we get cold, we reach for a sweater or bathrobe rather than the thermostat dial. When the gas bill was $110 last month, we think twice before turning it up. We set the temperature at 57 degrees at night and 66 degrees in the daytime. We also open curtains to take advantage of sunny days. 

I try to keep my food bill to $35 a week. I only buy produce in season. Oranges and bananas are inexpensive in winter months. I try to take advantage of meat specials and freeze them for later use. Pot roast can be economical. I cook it in my slow cooker; I get more gravy that way, and I ration servings of meat. Two to three ounces per serving is all that is required for adequate protein. When we have pork chops, it is a limit of one. We start each evening meal with home-made beef or chicken broth with noodles and rice. I make a pot twice weekly using chicken necks, backs, etc. or the bones from a chuck roast. Fish heads make a delicate broth and can be had Free for the asking at most super- markets. We fill up on vegetables, soup, bread, and potatoes rather than meat. Three-quarters of a pound of ground beef can make a casserole for eight.

I buy all our bread products at a bakery thrift store. Gas stations quite often have milk at lower prices than supermarkets. I mix one gallon of two percent milk with one gallon of powdered milk.  If I chill it overnight before serving, it tastes fine. 

My husband rescued a bike out of someone's trash, spent two days greasing, tightening, and polishing it, plus $2.75 for a new chain; that is how my son got his bike. He should be able to ride it until he's ready for a 26-inch. 

We do not buy our son the latest in clothes, toys, etc. He gets functional, attractive, "generic" clothes and toys that stimulate his imagination and creativity, such puzzles, books, clay, and paint. He has cars and trucks but we purchase small sizes that can be slipped into a pocket or purse and can go anywhere. He brings home a book club list once a month and together we look it over and select two books. We also encourage relatives and friends to give books as presents. As a result my son has an impressive collection, ranging from Snoopy to science. We also take advantage of book sales at the library where we add to our home library for as little as ten cents. Instead of subscribing to magazines, we do a monthly trip to the library and read them there. It's a lovely way to spend Saturday afternoon.

As for explaining why "Joey" gets a complete G.I.. Joe outfit for Christmas, well, we simply tell him that both Joey's parents have chosen to work so they earn more money to buy things. But because they work, they are not able to volunteer at school, be home after school, attend daytime functions, bake cookies, etc. I told my son that Mom feels it is more important to be at home to take care of the family, be available to help out at school (kids are so proud when Mom comes to help), cuddle on demand, and help him to grow up to be the best person he can. Because he is more important than money (as we've told him), he is happy. He often has told us how glad he is to have a cuddle when he feels like it. People have commented on his excellent behavior and manners. I simply say that I'm home and able to correct things when they happen, rather than hear about them at the end of the day. 

Because am home all day, I am not rushed when my husband comes home. He can sit down in a fairly clean house, relax, and look forward to a supper prepared with love. He has time to visit with our son and exchange news of the day. After supper, they usually sit down to play chess. Television is not the center of our lives. Most of the prime time shows are garbage. We do watch PBS specials as a family. As a result our son shows an awareness and concern far beyond his years. 

Please remember: you do not have to justify your lifestyle and choices to anyone. If you and your husband are happy, that is what counts.

As an added note, I had our second child in June. On January 24 my husband lost his job of five years, and along with it, our health insurance. But I am not worried. We are a family and we will stick it out together. 

--Roberta A., Glendale, Wisconsin