My husband does not support my decision to be at home.  He constantly makes me feel guilty about not working and often "reminds" me that we won't be able to afford a house in our present situation.  The tension isn't doing much for our marriage either.  I've tried being a day-care provider but find that it takes precious time away from my own children.  Part-time work and working at home are not options. Has anyone (successfully or not) dealt with this situation?  I would feel better just knowing that I'm not the only at-home mother with a non-supportive spouse.

 Anonymous

Your husband's lack of support is probably due to a lack of knowledge and respect for what you do all day.  I let my husband take care of our six-month-old son for two days while I took a course pertaining to my former career.  Of course, since he would "just be sitting around," I arranged for the cable person, exterminator, and UPS guy to come to the house.  Two days of taking care of an infant was difficult enough, but with ringing phones, doorbells, and our barking dog in the background, the task was overwhelming.  My husband now has a new respect for what I do all day.  He proudly tells anyone who asks that I am a full-time mom.

--Sabra I., Tequesta, Florida

Schedule a date with your husband.  Be upbeat and positive.  Let your husband know that you realize your coming home adds to his level of stress, but you don't expect him to carry the load alone.  Explain to him how you feel about working outside the home and why you feel it's important to be home with the children.  Encourage him to tell you what is worrying him.  Share with him what you hope to achieve by being at home and let him know that other people also support your idea.  Above all, don't try to change his opinion overnight.  You love and respect him enough to want to do what's best for his children.  Let your husband know in word and deed that he has not lost a partner.  Instead, he has gained a more committed one, who desires to see his dreams fulfilled just as much as before but no longer at the expense of his children.

--Debra S., Fairfax, Virginia

I feel that nobody can love, understand, and care for my children like I can.  If we owned the Hope Diamond would we pay someone $3 an hour to clean, polish and protect it?

You can have more quality time with your husband if you stay at home.  Get the housework and errands done while he's at work, have a hot meal ready when he comes home, and keep the evenings and weekends as free as possible.

Is owning a house that important?  A home is what's inside the structure, not whose name is on the deed.

--Dawn B., Greeneville, Tennessee

I told my husband that my "job" is my child.  My board meeting consists of a firm but gentle reprimand explaining why a two-year-old has to hold mom's hand while crossing the street.  My power lunches are trying to dole out healthy meals while making sure the whole wheat bread doesn't go to the cocker spaniel.  My payday is when my daughter finally walks alone down the stairs.

If he still doesn't understand, present the cold hard facts.  Call up businesses in your field and find out what they are paying a person with your experience and education.  Then call up day care centers to see the fee schedule.  I found hardly any day cares (and certainly nothing convenient) that were low-priced and high quality.  Even if I found a job on the high end of the pay scale, by subtracting day care and transportation I would be left with a meager $80 a week.  And this does not include other business expenses.  When I presented this to my husband, he saw things in a different light.

For most mothers at home that I know, being at home is not a luxury they can easily afford, but a necessity.  The material "treasures" that we can accumulate in a dual-income family can break and are replaceable, but the time and memories we accumulate with our children are not.

--Mary A., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

As a (former) financial analyst, I have found that most working moms don't bring home anywhere near as much money as they imagine.  Try doing the following math and see what you would actually contribute to the family after all is said and done.  Take your (estimated) gross salary and subtract ALL of the following:  taxes and payroll deductions, day care, additional taxes on your husband's salary if the second income puts your family into a higher tax bracket, career wardrobe, dry cleaning, commuting, work lunches, unreimbursed business and travel expenses, "quick" meals due to lack of time to shop and cook, additional medical expenses for child from exposure to illnesses in day care, your husband's lost wages or bonus due to having to share responsibilities for a sick child or snow days, and the cost of paying for things you (or your husband) do not have time to do yourselves.

--Jan M., McLean, Virginia

Since you both decided to have children before purchasing a home, your husband must realize that the children's well-being must come first.  Owning a home or other material goodies can never compare to the memories you are creating for your family.  Money isn't everything and always working for it as an end in itself is like chasing the wind (you can never catch up).  Tell hubby to relax and realize that raising your family is what's important.

--Nancy R., Tulsa, Oklahoma

Try to deal with the situation from a financial standpoint instead of an emotional one.  Gather information about the cost of working.  Think about things that might be important to your husband that you would not be able to do if you were working.  Have your husband watch the children while you do your research.  Develop a list of jobs that your husband would need to perform if both parents work.  Look into training courses that you might need to improve your business skills and add this to your list of expenses.  Think about how you would find the time to attend these courses and who would watch your children.  Then talk with your husband about what you have learned.  Keep an open mind and focus on the cost of working and the compromises that would need to be made.  Remember that there are two ways to improve a financial situation:  increase income or decrease expenses.

--Laura A., Rolling Meadows, Illinois

I found a book that addressed the "less than enthusiastic" spouse, and not just the flowery, wonderful stuff about staying home.  That book is Staying Home:  From Full-Professional to Full-Time Parent by Darcie Sanders and Martha M. Bullen.  I took the book's advice and made it a priority to express sincere confidence in my spouse as a husband, father, and provider.  My husband has seen over time that nothing has been repossessed, bills are paid, debts dwindling, and finally a savings program is underway.  Ironically, when I made the "big bucks" we had more money worries than we do now!  I took more of the book's advice and have occasionally reassured my husband that if things get too tight I'll go back to work to help meet the family's needs.  We are hardly "Ward and June," but things are better between us, and the children are happy.  My husband feels free now to focus on his work, knowing his children, whom he loves so much, are happy and really cared for.

--Toni V., Monroe, Louisiana
 

If you need extra support for your choice to be at home, or want to share some material with your husband, consider these Mothers At Home reprints:

#210:  What Do You Do All Day?  If at-home mothers don't sit home eating bon-bons, what do they do?  Written by MAH co-founder Linda Burton, this article shows that even the simplest activity with a child can be packed with meaning, learning and growth.

#200:  What About You?  (Why One Mother Chose Home).  Does life at home provide benefits for anyone besides our kids?  In a beautifully written essay, popular Welcome Home writer Nelia Odom describes how being an at-home mother has helped her to grow in ways she never anticipated. You'll also enjoy, "Erasable Me," by popular writer Nancy Vazquez about how motherhood has rewritten her life experience.  This reprint is a must-read for any woman who wonders if at-home mothering is for her!

#240:  Why I'm Still at Home.  If you're feeling pressure to return to work as your children enter elementary school, this reprint may be the encouragement you need to reaffirm you choice to be an at-home mother.  You'll enjoy the perspectives of three Welcome Home writers with school-age children who are committed to life at home, as well as letters from readers affirming their choice.