I'm having trouble potty-training my four-year-old, who is still in diapers.  Please help -- I'm frustrated!

 James S.
 Brookline, Massachusetts

I have heard that there are a lot of youngsters that are still not toilet trained at four, so I don't think it is unusual.  My own son would have happily worn diapers until kindergarten.  Still, my husband and I made the decision for him. We warned him that, starting the next day, there would be no more diapers in the daytime.  We told him he was too big and that the diapers didn't fit anymore.  The next day, we put a pile of cloth training pants and easy-to-change sweat pants in the bathroom, along with the diaper pail.  We told him it was his job to change his clothes if he got wet.  He had to play in the kitchen if he decided to stay in wet clothes (the rest of our house is carpeted).  He threw many a fit to get us to change him when he was wet (we did assist with soiled pants), but we stood firm.  Five days later, he started using the toilet.  It took about two weeks more before he had a success with a BM in the potty chair, but then he was so pleased with himself.  He's been dry and clean ever since. Some kids do show an interest in potty training themselves, but my son would never have made the first move.  It's just the way he is. 

--Charlene O., Janesville, Wisconsin

I was in your shoes just one year ago.  My son, then four, was extremely resistant to using the toilet. He wasn't ready -- but I was -- so I persisted.  Then followed a months-long power struggle. I tried everything:  rewards, punishments, even having him clean himself up.  Nothing worked.  I truly felt he was capable of going in the toilet and was feeling more and more helpless about the situation.  If I put him back in a diaper or pull-up, he'd start wetting that instead of going in the toilet, and we were back to 0 for 2 instead of 1 for 2.  So we continued with the "big boy" underpants, and I was stuck with the mess day after day.  One day, as I was washing out the umpteenth pair of poopy pants, I decided to determine whether he was physically incapable or just being lazy.  I told him that until he started pooping in the toilet, he couldn't play his computer games or watch TV anymore.  He was completely trained overnight!  It took finding what meant most to him to get him to make the leap.

What have I learned from this experience?  There's no such thing as potty training.  Instead it's potty learning.  A parent cannot force a child to train.  The child has to be physically capable of using the toilet, but additionally, (s)he has to decide that it's something (s)he wants to do -- in other words, be psychologically ready as well. In contrast, my daughter wanted to train on her own, without incentives.  Each child is different.

If I have more children, I will let them train when they want to. I won't listen to other people's comments about them not being trained yet.

Your child will learn to use the toilet, when he is ready, and not before.

--Been There!  Fredericksburg, VA

The doctor discovered my son was constipated.  He still had bowel movements, so I didn't know. It took about three months for the distended bowel to shrink back.  Now he can feel when it is time to have a BM.  We also used a reward system, and did not pressure him.

--Lisa J. P.,  Rutland, Vermont

My son was afraid he'd fall in the toilet, so I had him sit backwards and hold on to the back of the toilet.  A friend's daughter was afraid of the flushing, so they did not do that in her presence.  Some kids prefer a potty so they can put their feet on the floor;  others like to use the big toilet like mom and dad.

--Cindy J.,  McClure, Ohio

We learned from friends about the effect of fruit.  Our son eats a lot of it.  We found out that fruit was probably causing his bowels to be loose and frequent, and he did not know when a BM was coming because it was so soft.  We eliminated all fruit and juice from his diet.  Within a week his stools were firmer and less frequent, and he seemed to be aware of them.  We proceeded with "regular" potty training.  After a month he was trained and we started adding fruit back to his diet.

--Barbara R.,  Chantilly, Virginia

My son, at age four, had a fear of the potty, and would go hide in another room when he had to "go," or hold it for hours.  We consulted a pediatric psychologist who suggested an incremental plan with rewards, since there were no health problems or past trauma.

For example, first he got a star if he "went" anywhere near the bathroom.  Next, he had to be in the bathroom.  Then he had to sit in his diaper on the potty.  The next step was to loosen the diaper tapes. Finally, the diaper was off.  A few days later, he started using the big toilet on his own, and we didn't even need the rewards.  These small steps slowly decreased his anxiety, and worked beautifully.

--Amy L.,  Bowie, Maryland

I've been through the potty-training stage three times, and each time has been as unique as the individual child. I understand your frustration. Summertime is a great time to send a child outside with only cotton underwear and a T-shirt on. After a few accidents, the cotton underwear is very uncomfortable.   Going to the potty and having dry underwear will be more appealing.  You could have your child change his own diapers - again, going potty and wearing neat underwear will probably be more desirable.

--Liz A.,  Albertville, Alabama

I have a very wise pediatrician who stressed that this is one area where we cannot push our children.  They are going to learn to use the toilet on their own schedule and only when they are ready.  I had tried to push it with my older son, with poor results.  So I let my younger son do it at his own pace and was able to remain fairly relaxed about it.

Sometimes peer pressure will encourage a child to start potty training, but this did not work with my son either.  He started when he was ready, and it saved a lot of aggravation when I was able to accept that.  Once he decided to use the potty, he did very well.

--Anne F.,  Alexandria, VA