It seems that most second graders at our son's new school have video games. Our son doesn't make friends easily, and he says that he feels out of place because he doesn't know what other kids are talking about when they discuss these games. I watched him play a friend's Game Boy, and it disturbed me to see him so absorbed in a video game that he didn't even hear his name called. Friends tell me that this wears off when the novelty of the toy wears off.

Has anyone else given in and bought a video game so that her child would "fit in"? Does the mesmerizing effect wear off? Have you noticed any negative effects of video games on your child's ability to focus in school? (This is already a problem with our son.)

Cathy O.
Laurel, Maryland

I have made the decision not to buy any type of video game. After much reading and discussion with friends, I have decided that the negative effects of playing with video games far outweigh the benefits of "fitting in" at school. Some of these negative effects include trouble with attention span and total absorption with the game to the exclusion of anything else. My older son doesn't make friends easily, but I'm not sure having video games would make him "fit in" any better.

Amy C.
St. Joseph, Missouri

I don't think you should buy a video game system at this point, particularly if your son has attention problems at school. Consider just renting a system from a video store for a special treat. You might allow him to play video games at his friend's houses, but make sure they are playing games you approve of. If you have a computer, get some educational computer games that might be fun for your son. All in all, there is nothing wrong with video games, but I think moderation or saving them as a special treat is the key.

Anne F.
Alexandria, Virginia

This year I bought the kids a video game system. With it came rules: It had to be kept in the living room to avoid my kids cocooning in their rooms away from family interaction, and I only allow non-violent games. My son especially loves sports video games; from them he has learned the rules and how to play many sports. It has gotten him interested in playing sports, something he had no interest in previously. 

For fairness and to stop arguments between my three kids, each child gets to play on certain days of the week. They know the rules and time limits -- I allow one hour on, one hour off, and I closely monitor what they play. 

I think video games are a waste of time. (But I don't enjoy playing catch, either.) I don't regret my purchase, though. Besides learning about sports, my son is also more social when he plays sports, is developing hand-eye coordination, and has incredible concentration. 

It's not video games in themselves that are the problem, any more than a TV or computer. It's the misuse and lack of parental supervision that causes the problems. Used correctly and within limits, they can be great learning tools and a lot of fun.

Rhonda H.
Mooresville, Indiana

We grew tired of my son's constant pleading for a video game system, so we made a deal that if he could pay for it himself, he could buy one. It took a year for him to earn and save the money. What I thought would be a magnet for after-school activity has actually turned out to be a constructive tool for me. The game is not allowed on until homework, saxophone practice and chores are finished. This has been a great incentive to get daily activities done without constant reminding. 

There are strict rules about the amount of time allowed on the machine and the types of games played. We encourage sharing with siblings and taking turns, and when the weather permits, the kids play outside. There was the initial mesmerizing effect, but it soon wore off. Most of the games are very realistic and our children have a much better understanding of some of the sports they participate in. We have not had any regrets. "Fitting in" was never an issue with our son; he just wanted to be entertained while interacting with the television.

Alene P.
Sacramento, California

I noticed that when my son played friends' video games, he became obsessive and had a hard time breaking free. He ignored us and became uncooperative. I decided that I would never allow the games in my house. It would be one more thing for me to monitor -- like limiting their television viewing. I thought it would bring nothing but more distraction and arguments. My husband disagreed, and accepted a gift from his brother -- a video game system and a spare TV. Suddenly, homework was a struggle and chores never got done. On the next trash day, I put it on the curb with a free sign and it was picked up almost immediately. 

My son is welcome to play video games at his friends' homes. We have bought a hand-held system, but we have strict rules for its use. It is only used during car trips over one hour long -- no exceptions. The kids are fine with this arrangement and even look forward to long car trips now. 

Another note of caution: Start thinking ahead about what you and your husband are willing to compromise on to help your son "fit in." This is only the first of many such requests to come. Video games are a pretty superficial way for kids to connect with each other. Try Scouts or sports. Evaluate each request with what's best for your child; don't cave in to peer pressure. From experience, it's tougher to hold the line. But I've never regretted the times I've said no; only the times I should have said no.

Colleen B.
Troy, Michigan

My sons saved their money and bought a hand-held game together. They planned to trade days using it only for one hour each day, after they had done homework and chores. If either of them didn't follow the rules then I could take the game away for however long I felt necessary. 

Part of the plan was for their teacher to let me know if the game interfered with class work. I have been pleased with their sharing and problem-solving abilities. We discovered that our Christian bookstore had biblical-related games that the boys really enjoy. This summer the only time that the kids have used it has been during a long car ride. So the novelty did wear off.

Lynn M.
Midland, Michigan

My brother passed down his used video game system to my sons. I was afraid that all they would want to do would be to play video games, since they were already glued to computer games. I was right. They were constantly asking to play and I was always trying to figure out how much time they had spent on it already. For some children the novelty does wear off, but for mine it never has. 

I did not want to work that hard managing their computer and video game time. I made up computer/video game bucks which are worth thirty minutes each. Every Saturday they get eight of them. They are in charge of keeping track and spending them. Initially they spent them all at once, but now they budget their time wisely. 

The games are just another thing they can choose to do, not the all-consuming passion it used to be. A pleasant benefit is they have learned to plan ahead, budget their time, and cooperate.

Lisa O.
Clarkston, Michigan

I was a diehard against these games while my boys were small. I was embarrassingly judgmental of moms who let their children have such sinister little toys! Was I ignorant! 

When our oldest turned six, he really wanted one like his best friend had. The friend's wise mom gave me some good advice. In her experience, the games actually launched conversation among her boys. They all loved to play and were competitive with each other. 

Was she ever right. My two guys play, as does their dad. They talk about how to get further along the "levels," They pass the controls to each other if one knows the secret to getting further. They compare notes on how far they can go. It involves a lot of memorization and good hand-eye coordination. (I can't do it to save me!) We've never had a problem with them playing for more than about fifteen minutes at a time. I'd say: Buy it. I'm glad we did. (It also helps with those long waits in doctor's offices or on long car trips!)

Karen B.
San Antonio, Texas

We all face this situation when we have to permit or deny access to a piece of popular culture for which there is no precedent. To decide what to do, we have to examine our own deepest held convictions and act accordingly, regardless of how we are viewed by others, including our children. 

We are raising four boys without video games or television. Our seven-year-old commented that "friends" do not want to come to our house because there is nothing to do. I understand this to mean that he feels odd without the electronic entertainment his classmates devour. 

That he feels odd moves me not one wit. We have a firm reason for the position we have taken. Electronic entertainment stifles creative thinking. Studies have shown that the "skills" used are the lowest of our thinking skills. Psychologists have commented that children lack social skills because they play one on one with the game, not with each other. 

Our children must develop the ability to make life decisions based on values they have learned from people who love them, based on accurate information about the world around them, critical and creative thinking skills honed throughout the years of childhood, and social skills and truths learned from people, not machines.

Madaline H.
New Orleans, Louisiana

When our son was ten, we gave him what we thought was a "safe" hockey game for his video system. That morning, we were occupied nearby while our child played his new game in the family room. Not fifteen minutes later, we found him unconscious on the floor. He was unable to talk, and was totally limp in our arms. 

He did not "come around" until he was well on his way to the hospital in an ambulance. Weeks of expensive medical tests and worry ensued. At our doctor's advice, he played the same hockey video game in the hospital. Hooked up to an BEG, the EEG went wild, recording my son's erratic brain waves as he experienced a full seizure while playing the game. 

Does that answer your question about negative effects from video games? 

Video games include a cautionary pamphlet in fine print, stating that in certain, rare pre-existing conditions, people may experience seizures from playing them. Had I read this notice beforehand, I would have discounted it. My son had no history of epilepsy, nor do any family members, near or distant.

Jennifer S.
Fredericksburg, Virginia